I dashed off to starbux and did my writing. then back to the apartment. my routine is usually from 2-5pm and then i dashed back to my lovely apartment. before i dashed off to st germain des pres to Pierre Herme. and i got myself DESIR.
check out this picture. it looks so comme-ci comme-ca.
i was standing in line, just by e edge of the store, and then, there was this guy standing in front; speaking english mostly with smatterings of francais. boy was he pretentious, talking about this and that and speaking so INCREDIBLY LOUD. i think that's just really in bad taste and he was just going on and on to this lady next to him, who was a lot more civil (and quieter); but then, who will have a voice when they're a booming one next to your ear.
the staff at Pierre Herme were really polite and nice; even offering napkins (do you need one?). i said no, in english cos my french still sucks. a whole cake there costs, at least like, 35 euros. crazy prices.
i bot this and ran!
hopefully it'll taste nice -> i really preferred the chocolate ones but duh has been saying "chocolate again?"
there are so many ppl i invested in. and i continually did so. but until the past few years, so many of the friendships died. also, becos i dumped quite a few. started w bernice han. god, fucking butch. then, reece. another fucking cunt. then, annie, whom i thot was a good pal. disappointment - to thk that someone would think so horribly of me without knwing the meaning of caricaturising, jacq, fucking loser - reece thinks u're shit yet you're still askin for her to splash it on ur face, and now li ying ping. oh god, dunno where to start.
i guess, the journey was solitary anyhow, it was my own journey and now, it's just beginning again - dunno endig?. anyway, i feel disappointed. but i realised that they were never real. it was just wishful thinking on my end. pity. the delusion happened so long and i never realised it.
but it made me seesomething. life is all illusion; i used to bask in the warmth of friendship but they werent' REAL. andnow,i feel e insecurity but this is reality. yet, feeling warmth is also real, if i think it. therefore, perception is as real as it gets, if only i can make myself feel that way.
i aspire to be truly independent. not dependent on other people or friends.
i hate those people i mentioned above. i want to vanquish them from my life. i want them out. i want every memory of them erased. i want to leave them behind. no more.
i seriously think i m having some kind of midlife crisis.
it's strange. over years, it's alwas like that; i get some kind of difficult period, incredibly hard and terrible, awful torture. then later, better.
in short, ups and downs.
just that this down has been going on for so long - past 2 years, really - that i can't tell anymore.
now, i find it hard to go on, it's like, i feel nothing, there is nothing that can let me go on, move on. there is so much that is troubling me, i realise.
1) racist thing 2) friendships 3) insecurity, per se 4) aimlessness 5) stomach discomfort/fear of death
in short, ALL THESE FUCKING THINGS ARE HAUNTING ME. day and night. i realise that they're quit e abig chunk. why does this have to happen to me? i dont understand. it's unfair. other people just get on w their lives and i have to deal with this FUCKING SHIT everyday. FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING SHIT, day in day out. EVERYSINGLEFUCKINDAY
it's so unfair. why does this not happen to bad people? why does this not happen to other people that i dont give a fucking shit about or dont care for?
first up, i hate angmohs. i just want to move on and dont think of it. second, friendships. i feel so disappointed. reece is a fucking cunt, bernice is another one, jacq is another one, then, annie is a pure disappointment, and now, li ying ping. shits. all of them.
if you are reading this and you're one of them, yes, you're shit.
insecurity, quite a lot of it. i feel afraid of it, in general, as a result of these fake friendships that disappeared. i know now, for a fact, that they were never there for me from e start.
aimlessness, that's another one. i feel empty, nothingness, just devoid of direction. why? how do i start to cherish myself? i donnt. i want to know.
and last but not least, my stomach discomfort. what do i do with it? it's been 2 years over. i dunno how to rid of it. i want to rid of it. i dont want to die. i dont want to die younger than 70. i just want to be happy. happy without the stupid discomfort in my stomach. pls pls pls. GOD TAK EIT AWAY!
thinking of about how i should release all the negative energy. and just move on. and stop harbouring anger. stop stop stop. i think i've let them go but i haven't because that's e reason why i keep tihnking that ppl are doing this to me, eg yingping is treating me like she is making use of me, or how people always who are slow or stupid, are conspiring to give me hell.
anger is because i hate the world. hate hate hate.
i looked out for the horrible things. the awful things. to catch them. to show and hold it up; and say "see! it's here. it's indeed ROTTEN!". but i m wrong. i m wrong, wrong. it's not the right way to live life.
life should be led in another way. through peace. through love. warmth.
of warmth, sadness, irony and a sense of helplessness, expressed in this song by Lin Qi Yu. called replacement. lovely. think it's really great.
feeling kinda tired today. thots swirling again. actually not much. realised that when i m sick, the thots go away. cos the focus is on my ailments/discomfort.
suddenly, realised that hell is really a place in e head. that's y the Buddha taught us about the mind. how impt it is: heaven is just a step away, perhaps, since hell can be a plae that u inhibit in your mind.
terrible.
this sng makes me think about khong. khong beng hwee. the times in e army camp. i miss u. not so much anymore. but somehow, when i think about u, altho it was a sad time in my life, yet, i smile when i think of u. about how u smile, your lips. u know khong, i really hope to see u again someday. to meetu again. many a time, i think about how u look now: uncle, with tummy, haggard, having lost the beauty i had been so used to seeing u, the red red lips, the way you pat me on my head, etc.
i dont really wish that u loved me, mabe because i already knew that u did not. but in some ways, i wanted that vague loving kindness u had for me. i was thinking to myself: that if u did loved me, and we became a couple, what would happen today? we would have gone our separate ways? that we would be an open relationship kinda couple. maybe. probably.
but the way we parted; that open, empty way, just like e tarmac that fell away from the road, is how it ended for u and me.
khong, khong khong...suddenly ith ink about the past times. it's like, my good old days, about being besotted, that kind of innocent love, is over. so so over. it's over. wil never be able to recapture it again. even tho i used to say that i could. but in e end, i doubted i would have. it's gone.
now what would i give the world for? hmm...i dunno, really. maybe for immortality. it would make me rest in my heart. perhaps not, knowing how anxious i felt. i'd be fretting about how i would live alone, and how i would go on and on. hahaha.
maybe happiness. it's the most direct, and best way of achieving it. tat's why all you need is just to 'FEEL' the happiness, and u will be happy. yes, i think that's v true. give up everything else in your heart; all worries, pain, discomfort, etc, and happiness will land on your head, if u just keenly call out to it. it's like that lovely dove that u can call out to.
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