I don't love you anymore France

another day of bullshit

2010-10-05T02:02:00.000-07:00

i woke up this hearing the fucking knock-knock sound. my bf got up and of course, did i.

aiyah, i dunno what to say now. except that i m feeling very frustrated of late. how? what should i do about my fucking life in paris???

my cds is going to expire, my plans for my immigratio here is going into the air since i cant even get my cds soon. NOTHING WORKS IN PARIS, FRANCE! that's for sure. and people here are all so rude and lazy. i want to have as little as possible to do w frenchies. and my taiwanese friend actually said to me: "tu es trop sensible"

IS ASKING FOR DCENT MANNERS BEING SENSITIVE????????? PLEASE!

i just want something decent. i feel depressed living in paris. i feel sian. i feel depressed.

titleless

2010-10-05T01:49:00.000-07:00

Hmm.... i havent updated this in a bit. But i was just thinking that i'm so unbalanced lately. thanks to fucking france. the great country of great human rights. spit. retch. FUCK YOU FRANCE.

western democracies are hypocrites. full of em. their whole idea of 'oh, i must give you this right and that" but when push comes to shove, they turn around and say: "oh, out you go, oh you're of a different skin colour from me" and the whole slew.

i just think that westerners are hypocrites. i hate them all. i hate them all. i hate them all.

I HATE YOU ALL.

i m not in love with france anymore

2010-08-26T02:53:00.000-07:00

i m writing this because i m not in love with france anymore.

FRANCE M'AIME PAS. JE T'AIME PAS AUSSI.

FRANCE, tu me decois. I am growing sick and tired of you. you are just shit. i hate you. because you dont like me. i aint no refugee but your uneducated peasants who work in those huge machines of prefectures, are stupid, dumb, uneducated and just horribly rude.

i dont love you anymore france.

Pierre Herme

2008-09-23T09:21:00.000-07:00

I dashed off to starbux and did my writing. then back to the apartment. my routine is usually from 2-5pm and then i dashed back to my lovely apartment. before i dashed off to st germain des pres to Pierre Herme.
and i got myself DESIR.

check out this picture. it looks so comme-ci comme-ca.

i was standing in line, just by e edge of the store, and then, there was this guy standing in front; speaking english mostly with smatterings of francais. boy was he pretentious, talking about this and that and speaking so INCREDIBLY LOUD. i think that's just really in bad taste and he was just going on and on to this lady next to him, who was a lot more civil (and quieter); but then, who will have a voice when they're a booming one next to your ear.

the staff at Pierre Herme were really polite and nice; even offering napkins (do you need one?). i said no, in english cos my french still sucks. a whole cake there costs, at least like, 35 euros. crazy prices.

i bot this and ran!

hopefully it'll taste nice -> i really preferred the chocolate ones but duh has been saying "chocolate again?"

one of e greatest disappointments in my life are...

2008-08-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

my friends.

fucking disappointment.

there are so many ppl i invested in. and i continually did so. but until the past few years, so many of the friendships died. also, becos i dumped quite a few. started w bernice han. god, fucking butch. then, reece. another fucking cunt. then, annie, whom i thot was a good pal. disappointment - to thk that someone would think so horribly of me without knwing the meaning of caricaturising, jacq, fucking loser - reece thinks u're shit yet you're still askin for her to splash it on ur face, and now li ying ping. oh god, dunno where to start.

i guess, the journey was solitary anyhow, it was my own journey and now, it's just beginning again - dunno endig?. anyway, i feel disappointed. but i realised that they were never real. it was just wishful thinking on my end. pity. the delusion happened so long and i never realised it.

but it made me seesomething. life is all illusion; i used to bask in the warmth of friendship but they werent' REAL. andnow,i feel e insecurity but this is reality. yet, feeling warmth is also real, if i think it. therefore, perception is as real as it gets, if only i can make myself feel that way.

i aspire to be truly independent. not dependent on other people or friends.

i hate those people i mentioned above. i want to vanquish them from my life. i want them out. i want every memory of them erased. i want to leave them behind. no more.

midlife crisis

2008-08-20T08:43:00.000-07:00

i seriously think i m having some kind of midlife crisis.

it's strange. over years, it's alwas like that; i get some kind of difficult period, incredibly hard and terrible, awful torture. then later, better.

in short, ups and downs.

just that this down has been going on for so long - past 2 years, really - that i can't tell anymore.

now, i find it hard to go on, it's like, i feel nothing, there is nothing that can let me go on, move on. there is so much that is troubling me, i realise.

1) racist thing
2) friendships
3) insecurity, per se
4) aimlessness
5) stomach discomfort/fear of death

in short, ALL THESE FUCKING THINGS ARE HAUNTING ME. day and night. i realise that they're quit e abig chunk. why does this have to happen to me? i dont understand. it's unfair. other people just get on w their lives and i have to deal with this FUCKING SHIT everyday. FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING SHIT, day in day out. EVERYSINGLEFUCKINDAY

it's so unfair. why does this not happen to bad people? why does this not happen to other people that i dont give a fucking shit about or dont care for?

first up, i hate angmohs. i just want to move on and dont think of it. second, friendships. i feel so disappointed. reece is a fucking cunt, bernice is another one, jacq is another one, then, annie is a pure disappointment, and now, li ying ping. shits. all of them.

if you are reading this and you're one of them, yes, you're shit.

insecurity, quite a lot of it. i feel afraid of it, in general, as a result of these fake friendships that disappeared. i know now, for a fact, that they were never there for me from e start.

aimlessness, that's another one. i feel empty, nothingness, just devoid of direction. why? how do i start to cherish myself? i donnt. i want to know.

and last but not least, my stomach discomfort. what do i do with it? it's been 2 years over. i dunno how to rid of it. i want to rid of it. i dont want to die. i dont want to die younger than 70. i just want to be happy. happy without the stupid discomfort in my stomach. pls pls pls. GOD TAK EIT AWAY!

thoughts

2008-08-13T07:14:00.001-07:00

thinking of about how i should release all the negative energy. and just move on. and stop harbouring anger. stop stop stop. i think i've let them go but i haven't because that's e reason why i keep tihnking that ppl are doing this to me, eg yingping is treating me like she is making use of me, or how people always who are slow or stupid, are conspiring to give me hell.

anger

2008-08-07T08:13:00.000-07:00

anger is because i hate the world. hate hate hate.

i looked out for the horrible things. the awful things. to catch them. to show and hold it up; and say "see! it's here. it's indeed ROTTEN!". but i m wrong. i m wrong, wrong. it's not the right way to live life.

life should be led in another way. through peace. through love. warmth.

feelings...

2008-07-23T07:29:00.000-07:00

of warmth, sadness, irony and a sense of helplessness, expressed in this song by Lin Qi Yu. called replacement. lovely. think it's really great.

feeling kinda tired today. thots swirling again. actually not much. realised that when i m sick, the thots go away. cos the focus is on my ailments/discomfort.

suddenly, realised that hell is really a place in e head. that's y the Buddha taught us about the mind. how impt it is: heaven is just a step away, perhaps, since hell can be a plae that u inhibit in your mind.

terrible.

this sng makes me think about khong. khong beng hwee. the times in e army camp. i miss u. not so much anymore. but somehow, when i think about u, altho it was a sad time in my life, yet, i smile when i think of u. about how u smile, your lips. u know khong, i really hope to see u again someday. to meetu again. many a time, i think about how u look now: uncle, with tummy, haggard, having lost the beauty i had been so used to seeing u, the red red lips, the way you pat me on my head, etc.

i dont really wish that u loved me, mabe because i already knew that u did not. but in some ways, i wanted that vague loving kindness u had for me. i was thinking to myself: that if u did loved me, and we became a couple, what would happen today? we would have gone our separate ways? that we would be an open relationship kinda couple. maybe. probably.

but the way we parted; that open, empty way, just like e tarmac that fell away from the road, is how it ended for u and me.

khong, khong khong...suddenly ith ink about the past times. it's like, my good old days, about being besotted, that kind of innocent love, is over. so so over. it's over. wil never be able to recapture it again. even tho i used to say that i could. but in e end, i doubted i would have. it's gone.

now what would i give the world for? hmm...i dunno, really. maybe for immortality. it would make me rest in my heart. perhaps not, knowing how anxious i felt. i'd be fretting about how i would live alone, and how i would go on and on. hahaha.

maybe happiness. it's the most direct, and best way of achieving it. tat's why all you need is just to 'FEEL' the happiness, and u will be happy. yes, i think that's v true. give up everything else in your heart; all worries, pain, discomfort, etc, and happiness will land on your head, if u just keenly call out to it. it's like that lovely dove that u can call out to.

FUCK YOU!

2008-07-11T04:04:00.000-07:00

I DONT WANT TO DIE!¬ I DONT WANT TO DIE! I DONT WANT TO DIE!

FUCK YOU ALL
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKF CUCK FF CUFIFKLC FOYYOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

good thoughts today

2008-07-10T08:14:00.000-07:00

1) sorted out most of the office shit
2) finished w another section of my novel
3) didn't hear all that fuckshit in my ear in e train/in bus way home (147)
4) thot a lot about the happy times in majorca, egypt and the power of good thots
5) weight didn't go down compared to yesterday

second day - tinnitus or whatever it is

2008-07-10T06:46:00.000-07:00

i sat in office. today felt bit better. but later, when i went out, i sorta felt worse. i dunno if i will really ever feel better.

i felt both e worse and the best.
i felt that i will die soon. but if i were to die feeling so well, i didn't mind. but of course i would. at the same time, i was hearing e buzzing while in e office boardroom listening to the fucking old fart talk shit, i thot to myself that i want to think good thots and be happy and want to start to desire again. want so many things. because i realise that i've been feeling down and sian for sometime now that i dun even realise it...

i started to think about majorca. i want to go back to that place w duh. i miss him so much. i missed the beautiful murals, wonderful feel of the old town, walking in e maze-like streets, savouring e atmosphere during siesta, admiring the ice white notre dame of majorca, etc

i just miss all of them i realise. now, it's just nothing but me alone here, doing all this shit. i just hate everywhere cos it's so fucking packed. i miss having peace, slowly being able to recover but then, i doubt it'll ever happen. this can only happen in my head and i must be able to do that on my own. but i doubt it will. i dunno what to say because honestly, i feel lousy now. very very lousy.

edmund, pls get well. pls dont have cancer, or tumour, or kidney problem or leukemia or other nerve problem or diabetes, etc

just be good. be happy.

ringing/droning/buzzing in my ear

2008-07-08T06:19:00.000-07:00

i dunno what's wrong w me or my life. i hear this thing in my head the past 2 days, includinglast fri and i worry about a tumour in my head/neck/face, leukaemia, kidney problem/failure, etc. it frightens me. tremendously.

my whole life is in fear. i dunno what will happen. or if my strength will grow. i'd rather not have to undergo such adversity in order to learn that kinda strength.

i dunno. so many thots. swirling. that vortex. tommrow i wanted to take leave. now i cant. i dunno y. maybe there is a purpose. hopefuly, it isnt a medical one. i m afraid. frightened. petrified. i dunno y. it's just that life is so full of uncertainty and i see nothing but darkness, pitch black, a liquid so dark it's swirling, waiting to wrap itself around me and swallowing my whole. it is awful, to know that one is sliding inot that zone, that place where u will not return, to become nothing, to return to nothingness. it is awful. is it?

i dunno. dunno anymore. i fear for my loved ones, i fear for myself. i fear.

today...

2008-06-11T08:01:00.000-07:00

wasnt as awful as yesterday or the day before but just that my stomach is awful. bloated, gassy. etc

anyway, now reading bio of yves saintlaurent. i relaly hope to get in to the MA program of my choice. sick of this stupid job. hate it hate it.

ok, i dun quite hate it. just restless. i dunno. i was telling a friend that day that i CARICATURISE myself, which means that i make myself out to be someone larger than life, more hurtful than ppl think.

in that sense, annie, i think you've disappointed me tremendously. u've judged me. i'm sorry you did.

anyway, why am i talking about annie again.

ok. ohmmmmmmm.....let e past go. haha

let me see, what else do i want to say?
that life is short; that being at 35, i m jittery about dying already. and i really hope not to n should be quick to just move on to DO THINGS and NOT WASTE TIME. yes, that's what i m doing everyday: writing my novel. today, i checked it out. felt that the content wasn't that bad, as i had made it out to be, or felt it t be. perhaps it'll be a gem when i put it together? yes, i hope so. :)

love and kisses to u edmund,
love and kisses,
edmund (haha)

now reading the bio of Yves Saint Laurent.

2008-06-11T07:56:00.000-07:00

today...awful

2008-06-10T07:01:00.000-07:00

felt really shitty in e morning. felt as if i couldnt get to work. i mean i went to work but i sat in e office cubicle, feeling that i couldnt get to work.

i really couldn't take it. i hate my colleagues. i dun hate them lah, just dislike them. dunno what's wrong w them. they are so aloof. they are like, abnormal ppl who are so reserved, as if someone abused them or soemthing, aiyoh.

and i hate my work. it sux loh. i mean, my office environment not a bad place; i relax relax and also dun have much to do - NOW. but then, i just hate the monotony, the boredom of the work, so dull, so plain, nothing interesting - i mean, LIFE SCIENCES - how interesting is that?

i just have to bide my time. wait and wait and wait. until that day when i can finally leave. when would that be? a comfortable time would be in August, just after my drving test. then i would have saved sufficiently to leave for france. if i leave for france.

i want out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to go back to magazine publishing, etc

i dunno leh. maybe i m crazy.

i will b miserableee even if i went to paris...

2008-06-08T07:21:00.000-07:00

because i carry 'hell' with me and i have carried that baggage of OCD over the past years WITHOUT realising that it's been plaguing me and i must LET GO and STOP this obsessive fucking stupid SHIT, and STOP allowing my karma t CONTINUE to plague my LIFE and my mom's and roland's becaus ei will continue to CREATE BAD KARMA by LOSING MY TEMPER with others as long as i let my STUPID FUCKING FUCKING IDIOTIIC OCD GO ON.

I MUST FUCKING STOP!!

meeting brother bhante kovida

2008-06-08T07:10:00.001-07:00

today i met him. it was a nice experience. i would say that i normally didnt found the experience of meeting someone of higher spiritual level very intimidating, even stultifying. but later on, as i warmed up to him as he did to me - we spent 4 hours talking! - i realised that he was very casual and very approachable and i appreciated that tremendously.

i feel very grateful to him. that he bothered to even meet a stranger like me. and he spoke to me about many things. i really hope that i can learn qi gong from him and meditation. he did teach me meditative approaches like the laotian one that a laotian monk taught him.

we shared many things, and there were too many things to put down here. i guess, i 'm just tired from the exchange too and that today, my mind was too agitated to be able to calm down, or be happy. but i want to and i want to.

i hope to help him or be of use to him the way he has been to me. :)

thank you brother bhante.

may you be well and happy
may you be peaceful and calm
may you be well and healthy
may you be protected from danger and suffering.

on a differnet note, i've been feeling very disturbed again.
feel agitated becos of my weight thing.
mrning i weighed bout 69.9kg. ysterday morning, without food or water about 69.3kg - SEE i'm becoming OBSESSIVE!
at night, just after drinking, altho still short of about 250g of water, i weighed 67.7kg. i have to tell myself that my weight is in the same region as before and that i must STOP being unhappy and insecure, as I HAD BEEN AT WARWICK.

i DONT WANT TO BE THIS UNHAPPY when i get to paris and i must OVERCOME this fear and insecurity because it's RUINING my happiness and by letting this RUIN my hapiness, i m LETTING MY MOTHER AND PARTNER DOWN.

also, as my neurosis is not just about weight - it's about MY LIFE. because i used to have this neurosis and it was about gym, etc but now, i'm still ALLOWING IT TO RUIN MY HAPPINESS.
EDMUND, STOP BEING A FUCKING IDIOT. grow up and stop thinking obsessively about your weight because it's the FUCKING SAME.

e floodgates of joy opened today at Simei foodcourt

2008-06-07T08:40:00.000-07:00

i sat by the foodcourt and ate my food, wondering why I couldnt really enjoy my food. later, when i finished my meal, i was trying to read but could not quite focus. then i realised...

i was happy.

happiness was not the 2-sec, in-a-dribble affair. this time, the floodgates opened. and i really could feel the energy surging through me, engulfing my being. really loved it. i thot to myself: this is what it is, the feeling of not needing distractions, of being open to nothing but this sensation/emotion and not needing anyone or any opiate (love or distraction).

this is called happiness.

why?
i think i just felt at peace. after going to see my TCM doctor, i just felt that i could be at ease, just like the after effect of meditation. i could sit there, without having to meditate yet i felt truly happy. really happy. just without needing anything else. this is prehaps the state i should strive for. and then i think to myself: maybe this could be what i am doing in future - just being alone and being just happy.

but it won't be easy. that feeling left later. i think it's the distractions; the PEOPLE, the passing thoughts, the anger, etc, which clouded the anger, or rather, sent my 'happiness' packing.

i strive to achieve this more in future.

my TCM doctor today said something strange to me: "if u dont get cured after this round of medication, perhaps you should go see someone who's better."

my face fell. or ratehr, my heart, not my face. i lost faith in him, i said surely u dont mean u can't cure me. is it that my case is serious???

he said NO. ur case is not a big/serious case at all. then? he just said he felt bad for making me go to him yet he could not cure me yet. i felt even more surprised he said that.

later, he saw my dismay and said, dont worry, "wo yi ding yao ba ni zhi hao!" - verbatim.

i asked him how long it takes ppl to get cured. he said 3 months should be all right.
i dont know. i really dont know how long it'll take me.

anyhow, later, i spoke to the nurse outside. she said that he always spoke to people like this. this lack of confidence?? anyway, she said if it helped me, i should continue and not let this affect me.

maybe i wanted security from him. not maybe. definitely. i can't help NOT thinking ahead, that in a month's time, if he doesnt cure me, then i'm like, incurable?

i hope not. but life is like this, innit. it's just full of stuff that might happen ahead but we only choose to worry about what we can worry cos that's only what we can do! but does it mean that life is more secure? NO WAY. it's just a kind of quixotism.

i must strive to let go. to be above fear. to stop fearing. i must.

now on my thoughts:
1) weight loss
2) fear of not recovering - gallstones
3) fear of not staying in this job and getting enough $
4) fear of not passing HIV and Hep C test
5) health fears for my loved ones
6) fear of not getting into university paris diderot.

so many! w e f!!

i will try my best not to think of them...

talking and yakking

2008-06-05T06:51:00.000-07:00

havent been in here for about10 days? i realised...
been sick a couple of days.

my weight again! bugging me.

the 2nd day, i weighed myself: 68kg at home.

the 1st day, i was 67.3kg

the 2nd day, i was 67.5kg

TODAY, i am 67.1kg.

f£$^...sigh. i lost weight! so sian.

maybe i didnt. maybe i did. aiyah, i dunno leh, feel sian. worried.

realise that everyday, i have been preoccupied about my weight and my girth. each day, i feel that my weight is dropping because my pants are so LOOSE.

1) am i really losing weight?
- 67.5kg to 68kg to 67kg. about same?

Does thinking about my weight or thinking about my weight INCREASE IT?
- NO.

so? STOP THINKING ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT.

fears?
- fear that my weight will keep dropping.

what will it do for me if i keep thinking abot my weight?
- NOTHING. -> same goes for if i go to paris and what has happened over past 2 years at warwick, etc....it is torment.

edmund u must STOP.

is there evidence that your weight fluctuates over past 2 years?

YES. it DINGDONGS UP AND DOWN. but in the end, it's still very much e same? -> think luton, warwick, etc

therefore, STOP FREAKING OUT.

on a different note, i want to do other things.
i want to get in to Uni of Paris and be happy!
i want to save enough till ... yippee!
i want to be happy! just happy!
i m praying...

what did i eat today...

2008-05-24T07:52:00.000-07:00

still on this neurosis of mine

today i had:

breakfast
2 slices of bread
1 banana

lunch
rice with vegetables and chicken
TEH

afternoon
carrot juice
yam bun

dinner
sakae salad
grilled chicken w rice

supper
papaya
slice of cake

rage

2008-05-20T07:04:00.000-07:00

does nothing for you.

yes, i admit it. nothing. absolutely nothing. just burns away all your good karma.

i RESOLVE NOT TO BURN AWAY MY KARMA because it's not worth for those motherfucking idiots out there. yes, i must try to be so calm and cool because the moment i let myself rage inside, i have LOST.

i must be cool. i must keep my cool.

anger comes from myself and it is myself who is raging. i wil harm myself and no one else will know but myself.

why am i always upset with other people? why do i always want to Win? to take revenge? because i think it's necessary for me to show them who's boss. but why? i have been trying ot udnerstand myself. why was i so indignant when my tenant continues to defy me and invites her entire clan to the house?

2 possibilities:
tenant is a bitch. tries to irritate me

tenant is NOT a bitch. tries to get e best deal for herslef.

anger-what role does anger play? to show that i m boss and that i do get upset and show them i mean business.

why do i want to mean biz? that i CANT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED?
but i get upset, does it mean that ppl are SCared???? NO.ppl wil do whatever they want to and they dont care even if u are angry. some people just will get more pissed off and wont run, like i think.

therefore my assumption is when i show ppl i m angry, people will RESPECT ME - SO NOT TRUE AT ALL.

- people will only start to act crazy if u go beyond a certain level of hostility.

another thing is ; will people respect you if u get upset or throw tantrum? no. they will only dislike u more and hate u more. highly possible.

i had another theory about anger. if u want others to respect u and etc....when u dont see ugly things, u GET THE IMPRESSION it means all is well. but is it true? no. the nastiness is still there. just because my tenant did not TELL ME THAT SHE WANTS T ASK HER ENTIRE CLAN TO COME, doesnt mean that she is not planning to do so.

my point is: u get upset only when u see the nasty things or stupid things ppl do. but it doesnt mean that they havent thought the thought and your anger is directed at those people because u think that they're thinking e thot. but u have to learn to accept that they've started to think those thoughts and already have been thinking those thoughts. accept it. learnt to accept it. that life is full of this shit and is NOT AS WONDERFUL AS U THINK but u must learn to accept it and stop feeling angry.

u are angry because u can't accept the truth about life: the ugly harsh truths.

CATHARSIS -> u havent accepted the truth about life's harsh realities.

work...

2008-05-18T07:23:00.000-07:00

i have been working for several weeks liao. well 3 to be exact.

i dont particularly like e job. i dunno what i m doing in that ccockhole. i shouldnt swear. i think i should be beter now. anyway, i keep counting my days...to august, my driving practical test. ihope i pass.

on a different note, i have been tihnking a lot about buddhism. today, was thinking about homosexuality and buddhism. i was wondering y the dalai lama would condemn it and immediately, i dismissed him, and his authority (sorry) and even the Buddha. but i checked the net later and realised that i shouldnt ahve doubts. i did have my doubts and really, i shouldnt have. shouldnt be so quick to judge.

anyway, i dunno what to say liao. too warm, too humid, too tired.

i know the compassion in me...

2008-04-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

is growing. certainly. quite sure of it.

but that serpent tongue of mine is still hanging around for a while longer. i still get a kick out of saying soemthing mean. what's wrong w me???

anyway, today, i went to my aunt's. then walked to dover mrt. the weather was kind of sucky. yucky. made my way into the train, sat next to someone who coughed quite badly and i left and went to antoehr carriage.

i walked to the kopitiam by e driving centre. had my meal. oh yes...i remember now. there was this maid or something, who SAT smack in my seat and by my table when i clearly had indicated that i had taken up the place there - i left my bag and my umbrella there. and of all the places she had to sit, she took mine.

maybe it's a test of patience of sorts. these days, i 'm looking for signs all the time. hahaha. yes, if it's a good one, why not? am i not right? after all, if u cheat urself just to make urself feel better, SURE, y not???

i didnt want to tell her off because i felt that i didnt have to. and that i should maintain my equanimity.

later, attended driving classes with a new instructor. yuck, i really dislike going to the group of men who own their own cars. yuck. it's disgusting. today's smelled liek the uncle had been farting in there for so long. and today, when doing my U-turn, i went up the fucking kerb. OMG. i should be ASHAMED F MESELF...keke.

later, had a bit of a migraine/headache and hung around the mrt station, cos my head was really hurting. then, went to holland v and sat down, and had kaya loti. and then, spoke to an auntie, who had a flu/cold. and i told her tips on what she should brew or drink in order to recover from her flu as wel as general upkeeping of one's pyhsical well-being tips. :) good me. hehe.

i think it's true indeed, helping others and being kind to others is very gratifying. but of course, i still find it difficult to do that to arrogant ppl. somehow, arrogant ppl make me feel that they are having a good time, therefore they shouldnt be helped and that they deserve to be made to feel like shit. well, that's a very erroneous view and i really hope to change that. :)

i have so many feaRS, etc; fear of not getting enough sleep, fear of not being well, fear of being stressed (As opposed to really being stressed - how FUCKING STUPID OF ME), fear of loved ones' not feeling well, fear of being poor, fear of being looked down upon, fear of financial instability, fear of instability. I LIVE IN FEAR! what the fuck. stupid me. i must let it go (or at least in order to go to the pureland).

Buddhism says one shouldnt have fear in one's heart.

gdnite edmund!

back!

2008-04-18T23:31:00.000-07:00

yes, i almost forgot i have this blog.

i been in a tizzy for a bit. actually, it's not new. i know ppl know i m in a tizzy but i realised that many people do not realyl understand or know me at all. it's disappointing. but to have people not understand u and hold it against you; i.e, misunderstand you and steer away, then i find it quite difficult to accept.

regardless...i was reading soemthing about forgiveness that day. i dunno y. but of late, i have been receiving 'gifts' of sorts; the 4D, the signs i have been seeing - the 2 pigeons nestled in the grass, the strange vacant lift that waits for me at my block, the realisatio that some ppl in my life are really my 'guardian' angels - my mom and roland, who have always been by my side, something i dun quite understand because sometimes, i do think that i'm quite rotten to the core yet they're like godsend, and yes, in many ways,i dont deserve them and the only way i can rationalise their presence is that they're here to guide me - show me the right path. indeed, i am most fortunate. i read somewhere today about an analogy about how a man drowns because he wanted to wait for God, but really, God had come by in the disguise of fisherman, which the drowned man had passed up the chance to be saved by him.

last night, i met another person, a taxi drive whom i spoke to and wanted to help initially but later, turned out that he 'ENLIGHTENED' me instead; speaking to me about the buddhist-like teachings he had learned on his own - he said he is a FREE THINKER.

then, i think about my own mistakes in life; the huge huge mistakes and bad karma but i think to myself, maybe it's true, i should stop feeling guilty, STOP FEELING GUILTY and start learning to FORGIVE and forgive OTHERS at the same time, and also that, perhaps my mistakes were what had 'opened' my eyes to see what i had done and what i SHOULD DO in future.

i wrote down the names of all the people who i hate/disliked, yesterday and i sat at a kopitiam, feeling sad, down, almost teary at one point as i listened to No Air by Jordin Sparks. then, i wrote down and tried to come up with the names of 30 over people who had helped me too; whose kindness was only during a moment but something that i remembered. in that sense, i have relived their kindness once again and they have come to my rescue once again. i thk you all.

there was a positive thought; i think i might want to become a HOUSING AGENT! hehehe. 1k$ per month is also bette rthan nothing. :)

disillusioned

2008-03-17T07:45:00.000-07:00

i feel q disillusioned today.

spoke to my best friend. she didnt 'quite need me' these past two weeks. why? because she went home to her mom. i am seeing a trend - she only calls me to whine and the only reason, i feel, is that she needs an outlet.

honestly, i m sick of it. the rest of it, i know what she does and i'm not going to air it here but i'm frankly quite sick of it. i hate people taking me for granted. it's something i won't tolerate and i will frankly, drop whoever who tries that w me. including that idiot reece.

fuck her.

i think i'm the only one who reads my blog. lol

i went to the national library today; it was ok lah. quite quiet. actually, TOO quiet. went to chinatown. saw chinese prostitutes; male and female. it was rather interesting watching them, i found.

the chinese girls are quite coy and the male prostitutes, from china, are really TALL and not that goodlooking but have a rather exotic look.

anyway, i didnt wnat them to think that i'm a 'prostitute' competing w them too; or whatever lah, so i quickly left.

i went to my cousin to have my teeth checked. she did an x-ray of my teeth and she said that i had MANY HOLES IN MY MOUTH. i got q depressed cos i feel insecure. ALL MY LIFE i've felt INSECURE. i dont know why but perhaps, and most likely, i realised that it was because of my father's death. it had always dogged me and i have never quite let go of it; or rather, this demon has never let me go.

i felt insecure again. i feel inseure all e time. but someone once said that what's e point of thinking so far ahead. life is so short and all these worries will get me nowhere. that's what i learned from buddhism. perhaps it's called being frivolous. but perhaps that's e reality of life; that we cannot contorl a lot of things and ultimately, we have to let go of the worries and just continue. this is how survivors make it, isnt it? through concentration camp internment, etc...internment in that tiny box in prison,e tc

i feel so bitter

2008-03-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

so damn bitter. bitter bitter bitter....................................................................................

a strange blog...

2008-03-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

i want to work on the loving-kindness meditation

1) think of myself: good thoughts: may good things happen for me; may i be well and healthy, may i be peaceful and calm; may i be protected from bad things and people, may i be happy and joyous.

2) a person i really respect and love

3) a person i deeply love

4) a neutral person. eg shopkeeper

5) a person i dislike (that wont be difficult i have a long list...)

i want to be a better person; to be nicer; to be at peace w the world; to make peace; to be nicer; to rid myself of the bad karma; to be a patient person; to stop the UNPLEASANT experiences in my life; to only have the good pleasant things in life (for a start; then later move on to the 'neutral' things)

good things today:

1) had a great time w jacq
2) was more patient w buddy
3) had a nice time at yakun
4) the girl at yakun was friendly and nice to me
5) didnt have to queue at aji-tei

realisation

2008-03-10T18:51:00.000-07:00

i realise that when i think about those people who haunt me; like marc, wishing him etc, or people like bee ong, i know that i m compassionate and that i m not really wishing them bad things; i cant be 100 per cent sure but i dont think im that kind o person because i know that i when i see them sad, down, pained, i dont want it. i will also feel sad.

i just wnat to say that i dont want to curse people. i just want to renounce the anger in me and that i want to process it out beause i feel its toxicity in me. i cant say i wish for all gd things to happen t people but i wish for good things to good people now, i really really do.

i promise the Buddha that i will promise to do my best to be a better person. i will do my best.

i dont want anybad things to befall my loved ones. i only wish for good things to befall them.

peace.

lovelies...

2008-03-10T09:33:00.000-07:00

1)had lunch w mom today
2) went to gym; saw UNCLE! was a nice surprise. chatted briefly. i dont know why but i kinda liked his father figure thingy. i had a father but not one whom i felt loved me terribly; rather, it was always a distant figure, cold and faroff. somehow, it was nice to feel as if i was being loved by an older man; a father figure. saw oli pettigrew. oh god, i dnt wnat to go there.
3) went to holland v and found a nice spot in the middle of ya kun. great. asked the ladies if it was taken. it WASNT!
4)went to starbux and it was QUIET - great. charged my laptop; then went to have dinner. felt better liao.
5) wentback to yakun and did bit of work. was quite good and did quite a good bit today. i am glad!

this is a fruitful day!

on other thoughts:

been wondering about whether how i should let go my anger/fear/disappointment/love/sadness, etc. i dunno how to 'process' it other than wishing bad things onto another person. it's bad, not good. i dont want to. my light side tells me it's wrong. really. what should i do? i dont know...

i want to express it; let it go. it's about time. i dont want to see it again. but somehow, coming back to sg, makes me see it again i just feel that it all rush back in a tide.

i dun even know what i'm writing about anymore.

all i can say is that i fucking hate all of you fucks -
1) deborah maak - just a fucking bitch
2) wee teck - fucking paedophile
3) marc almgro - fucking loser who might just die alone someday in an oldfolks home - this is NOT a curse.
4) pramila kaur - hypocritical cunt who can't keep her leg shut to a stranger-desperado
5) jacinta ho - hypocritical bitch; the reason why many people won't go to church
6) denis pua - u fucking idiot who can't keep your cock in ur pants
7) teo boonpin - u fucking faggot; i wonder how u managed to use your dick on jacinta a bush in the garden
8) ong sohchin - u fucking idiot who cant spell, fuck you fuck you fuck you - i wnder how u got to where you were - u're too damn ugly to be fuckable i just wonder why; btu then, many str8 men just have a dick that can't think or discern so it's just all about a hole, isnt it?
9) bee ong - fucking act-posh bitch turned yoga instructor - u look like a clamped up cunt, i.e a tight mussel
10) alfian - u fucking cockhead snob - look at how intelectual you are now; that's y u can't even be a relief teacher cos the entire govt knows you are a FUCKING MUSLIM FAGGOT wth a hole dying to be plugged
11) CYRIL w - u fucking poet who writes so many autobiographical poems that i just think you're pure rubbish - btw, if u're reading this, i showed one of my profs your poems and he rubbished it, saying it was 'cliche' beyond belief
12) THE MOTHRFUCKERS AT SILVERFISH WRITING - fuck you! if i ever win a booker prize, u can forget about the interview i'll give. not that i am dying to but i guess u bunch of fuckheads are just pathetic losers who reallly believe that you are the bloomsbury gang in...er....MALAYFUCKINGSIA.
13) sharon bakar - F U C K Y O U - and go home! :) peace...

ok, i'll continue tomorrow

on beauty ...

2008-02-26T08:54:00.000-08:00

1) the girl who served me at ya kun said "BYE!"....these things do matter, dont they??? tbey should! :)

2) sat at starbux and charged my laptop. lovely! best of all, it was all F.O.C.

3) i got an offer to go for another round of interview - 2nd but i turned it down cos i didnt want to be a bad person.

4) had dinner and felt ok after dinner; didnt feel hungry again and all tat...

5) had a good chat w my best friend on phone - i wasnt a bitch to her.

6) liked 'tears that dry on my own' by amy i hate your cunt winehouse.

7) arranged to meet with pals; melissa and CINDY CRAWFORD!?!

ps: this is called therapy

2008-02-24T08:44:00.000-08:00

disclaimer: this is not for karmaic effect.

i fucking hate you tan kheng hua. i think u're a fucking ugly woman trapped in a man's face. you fucking ugly tranny face. u fucking piece of shit. fuck you. i wish that you will just fuck the hell out of this world. i just hate you hate you hate you hate you hate you.

selena tan, you fucking ugly watermelon. i dunno where the fuck did you roll out from but i absolutely think that you should just explode! i just hate you. hate the hell out of you and dont ever want to see your fucking fat face again.

screw you screw you screw you all I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU AND I JUST DONT WANT TO SEE ANY OF YOU AGAIN. I NEED TO EXORCISE THE FUCKHEADS OUT OF MY LIFE. AND THAT'S YOU. YOU ALL, YOU FUCKING MOTHER FUCKERS ALL. GO AND FUCK YOURSELF. I DUN KNOW WHY U WERE BORN IN THE FIRST PLACE; TAN KHENG HUA PROBABLY TO MARRY LIM YUBENG YOU shiteheads.

good things yesterday

2008-02-22T19:19:00.001-08:00

1) had a good time w an old pal; we sat at haagen dazs talking about her sex life. lol

2) my article is out in Luxx; but the story is WRONG! (instead of savile row, it showed luxury 2nd kitchens)

3) a sistic lady was so nice to me and let me pick up e tickets even tho the counter was already closed - i sang to her (it's now or never).

notes

2008-02-20T05:40:00.000-08:00

1) had a nice pleasant surprise when leo msned me; he's in york now and i'm really pleased to know that at least he wasnt upset w me cos i 'made him pack my boxes and sent them to luton from coventry'. lol

2) had wifi from the kopitiam at blk 9. YIPPEE!

3) did bit of work in record time at kopitiam.

4) took a nice walk to and back from holland v

talking through w my counsellor

2008-02-19T07:09:00.000-08:00

just met my counsellor today. was nice. i m beginning to warm up to her, as she to me, i think.

anyway, were talking. talking about the 5 diff levels of emotions:

1) anger
2) sadness
3) disappointment
4) fear
finally 5) forgiveness

apparently, i have lots of anger still. i want to work on it! yes! i must! i can do it. there is alot of guilt in me and i must to overcome them and learn to forgive myself and forgive the world.

gd things:
1) was quite quiet at chinatown dessert shop
2) got a place at the dessert shop
3) got a freelance deal with 2 magazine today (for tomasz donocik)
4) had a gd chat w my counsellor

i enjoy having lunches w my mom; sitting down and talking and chatting with her over a cup of teh. ah...finally, perhaps i m beginning to delight in e moment and savour life. i hope so.

wonderful things in life

2008-02-17T07:44:00.000-08:00

today went to kuan yin temple and prayed. felt that it was a good thing.
then, went to pick up my laptop. 200$ but then, still, at least i got it back.

then, later i went to tkae a bus, 147 - what coincidence! and stopped before the bus turned elsewhere (diverted). glad that i did and that someone shouted so that i knew and could get off.

then, finally, i sat down and got the place i wanted, just by e verandah and had a great view of the street, etc and the people.

then, went to catch a movie, JUMPER, which was quite dumb but ok lah, cant complain.

regrets

2008-02-13T09:07:00.000-08:00

i dunno y but i just felt like going thorugh some of old shots. wish i could scan them and put them here. i think i'll do that later.

anyway, was just thinking about seeing shots of my brother and me, fatehr and mother, etc. so many difernet shots.

i keep tihnking about those stupid smiles, reluctant smiles, grouchy faces (mom), tired looking dad, goofy eugene my brother, etc.

i see myself through time: me as an idiot boy, mostly sulky. so amny things. aiyah, dunno where to start. i just feel kinda sad. i kinda wished that i had this level of consciousness back then and so life would begin, really really begin then. but now, it's just only starting and it's strange, ppl always truly start to live only when they're going to die; or in a broader sense, which i'd like to think is more justified: people only start to live when they see the end. and that's sad. u know what i mean?

i love my mom and i wish i had spent more time together in the past. not that we dont. we do now. we spend a lot of time while i'm BUMMING and NOT EARNING $. still, sometimes, well, a lot of times, i feel helpless and wished and wonder if she has any regrets. that perhaps she might regret not being younger now. i dunnoo. maybe it's just me projecting my thoughts onto hers. it's stuipid, i always do that. w the f

thoughts

2008-01-31T20:10:00.000-08:00

is singapore a waste of my time?

i dunno. i feel kinda lost. like, im just floating along. whereas, i think overseas, that feeling is less. maybe im just giving myself an excuse.

but that not so wonderful feeling is cos i'm not sleeping well. i keep waking up at odd hours, lik 3 plus, etc. strange. then it continues, and goes on,...and goes on and on and on. the deepest part of my sleep is in the morning from 6 plus to about 10.

maybe i'm giving myself flak for not being able to finish my work. the trick to longevity is perhaps to be able to kan de kai. to be open about things and not to force things if they dont work out. just to accept. sigh...i m still learning.

i think i've matured in many ways since. but still i have much to learn.

...

2008-01-27T08:14:00.000-08:00

feeling kinda blue. dunno y. probably triggered by my stomach thing. i think worsened by the documentary on tv.

showing that 101 year-old who lived so fucking long and then, it kinda made me depressed. live so long and still so happy. i wish. i m envious. really. truly.

i must outwit, outplay. outlast!

missing something...

2008-01-25T08:49:00.000-08:00

always. i seemt o do that a lot. miss paris right now. over past few days actually.

i think i just kind of got sick of sg. i love my family but here, i dont know. i end up worrying about paying e bills, etc and i cant do what i need to - my novel. i know, i havent been doing it much yet if i dont do my writing, of course, i'll end up thinking of rubbish, etc...

dunno what e f. i guess i take sg for granted. i do miss e anonymity overseas but here, i get or rather, i feel that i get judged all the time - even for my shrinking frame. sigh.

living in sg

2008-01-24T08:33:00.000-08:00

i dunno y. it's strange. this time, coming back to sg. leaves me feeling different.

e last time, i felt very close to home. like my relative. now, sg is just an overfamiliar relative.

last time round, e fears of overseas living made me that way. now, it's e opp. it's like living here, means that the demons are cming back - weight issue!?!

but then, if my weight issue disappears, maybe so will the fears about the weight thing.

i dunno what's happening but i know fear. F E A R. it's very big. in my heart, it seemed to have swallowed me whole, and left e skin behind, covering it like a blanket.

more thoughts...what else

2008-01-20T08:54:00.000-08:00

1) luton's weather was cold therefore affected my metabolism
2) i put on weight on the contrary since the 64kg to 65.5kg since
3) i lost weight only when i first went there; not after
4) housemate also lost weight
5) thoughts are stupid and waste of time cos i've spent years upset over the gym stupid cant sleep at night stress fuck; and ruined my career.
6) everytime i get upset like this, i m hurting my mother-no matter how indirectly
7) i am wasting my TIME!

suddenly, i wish for the calm, peaceful and quiet place of luton where i can just chill out; no comparisons, etc...

thoughts...

2008-01-19T19:17:00.001-08:00

yesterday went to a friend's place for lunch, then dinner. met up w another pal from where i used to go to sch.

cooked thai-styled beef. everythhing went well, then, we talked about buddhism; death, temples, their extravagance,etc.

kind of freaky. wanted to get hold of this sutra thing, t iprove on my health. etc.

later, somehow, that night, got feeling hungry again and just freaked out. couldnt sleep again. slept at about 2am, woke up at 2.30, then woke up almost 2 hours later, and another...

felt like really freaked out about death. but ppl have been telling me: die, what's e worse? die die loh. how sangfroid.
how easy it is to say that, when one is in e pink of health...but has anyone seen a v sick man say otherwise?

i'm not q sure. anyway, i'm just like, wondering how strange it is...

death and sickness. i dunno y but i find that in e past, it's like when u read textx on buddhism, i didnt ever feel so affllicted by these words. but somehow, now, it's very terrible, very i my mind, ever so, almost like every minute of the day and it's really gettig to me.

but i've wasted so much of my time in the past to these concerns; gym, etc. i thinkt o myself: how laughable you've been. how much time you've wasted. now, i mustnt repeat e mistkae. i can at least try not to.

home

2008-01-14T21:20:00.000-08:00

back home in sg. frigging tired. well, technically cos now, i'm supposed to b sleeping in london, if i were still in london...

journey back was ok. just that i sat next to this brit guy? and he was coughing all e way. fucking gross.

came back home. found out that i really was 66kg. wtf!? what is wrong w me? my body? fuck. i just feel kinda distraught again. about the whole fucking weight thing. anyway, time for chicken rice downstairs...

london...again...fun

2008-01-12T17:36:00.000-08:00

went london.met up w pal, emma.

took shots. there were 2 guys who say hello to us at the O Bar and they were cool. doubt they were trying to pick up us or emma. just friendly danish ppl? yes, think so.

then, took a fuckign 2 1/2 hr train/bus ride back to luton.

on way, met some weird ppl on bus. but nice otherwise - girl said to roland: "oh get lost, you and your luton. that's just 1/2 way where i'm going."

hahaha.

good thoughts

2008-01-11T12:18:00.000-08:00

today spoke to gd pal. but 1/2way through e conversation, when most things were alreaDY DISCUSSED, did the phone break down. that's NOT a bad thing.

went gym. despite sleeping so little, i managed to do a 12min brisk walk plus weights.

went to arndale mall, didnt feel jitters which was great, despite my horrid haircut at the side.

there was a last chelsea bun left; again!

bot two bottles of drinks for partner. good (heart i have, i mean)

got 2 writing deals - and sorted my emails to the all-biz-class airlines. yippee!

saw some nice clips of lin chin hsia, etc on youtube

good thoughts

2008-01-10T13:50:00.000-08:00

amazing thing today is that in the morning, there was a fucking water shortage, then during lunch, suddenly it came on again! just in time for lunch before it fucking disappeared again!

it was meant to ALLOW me to COOK MY LUNCH! wahahaha

victoria and albert john madejski garden

2008-01-09T14:07:00.000-08:00

love it. gorgeous italianate courtyard. was at v&a last weekend. wonderful surprise. outside was stodgy architecture, weighed down by the red bricks, etc and the blackened walls. but inside, this garden waS A REAL surprise. apparently v young. only redesigned in 2005. such a ontrast.

good thoughts today

2008-01-09T13:32:00.000-08:00

1) stomach ok past few days, mostly except for hunger near sleeping time at 1am plus
2) did bit of writing and sorting out of plot
3) went to gym early
4) SUN TODAY!
5) got mail from eugene about new phone n address in paris
6) spoke to mom
7) spoke to ms yp
8) had belgian bun today (fuckin sweet)
9) packed my bag in a jiffy
10) read some tittle-tattle
11) realised that i shouldnt waste my time on fucking idiots
12) phone's WORKING!

goody thoughts today

2008-01-07T15:21:00.000-08:00

good things today:

1) listened to 'inspiring' CHER's BELIEVE at the gym today
2) stomach relatively ok over past few days
3) people from pac net called today to try to resolve issue at night: OFF THEIR OWN BAT! amazing isnt it
4) did bit of writing today; resolved bit of this and that
5) saw NANNY DIARIES AGAIN: heart warming
6) went to arndale mall and didnt feel any fear in my heart at all: seem to be kinda immune to those fears
7) went to gym and worked out triceps too: no gastric after or feeling hungry. :)

another memory raker

2008-01-06T12:52:00.002-08:00

such a gorgeous GIRL! omg. yang lin is the epitome of womenhood. so gorgeous, lovely skin, luminous, ahh....lovely voice, vivacious...wah so many things.

another memory raker

2008-01-06T12:52:00.001-08:00

london's chinese restaurants

2008-01-05T15:17:00.000-08:00

i just went to one for lunch; near south kensington tube. awful service. fucking faggot waiter had so much attitude as the amount of fat on his royal corporeal highness. fucking fucking faggot with attitude.

then, for dinner, went to FOUR SEASONS. they had 6 staff looking at us and COMPLETELY IGNORING US.

i left to MAGIC WOK and the food was not bad. repeat trip. BUT the fucking loony boss who kept singing while serving IGNORED US WHEN WE LEFT BUT CHOSE to say bye to a caucasian couple leaving.

WHAT FUCKING RACISTS.

on a lighter note, the food was nice but i doubt i'm going back again. fuckers.

e very talented mavis fan

2008-01-02T14:18:00.001-08:00

tomorrow i am going to marry you

2008-01-02T13:08:00.000-08:00

wow, the guitar work...memories flow in

across the seas to see you

2008-01-02T13:06:00.003-08:00

dont want to go...

2008-01-02T13:06:00.001-08:00

seagull

2008-01-02T12:46:00.001-08:00

oh fucking love this song. v v nice and memories...

long lost song

2008-01-02T12:33:00.000-08:00

i remembered listening to this like once upon a time.

lotus in the snow...

2008-01-02T12:32:00.001-08:00

the memories come back swiftly, like the scent which takes down that curtain of time, bringing you back to that exact moment; the walls, faces and the sounds. how amazing songs are.

nice song eh...havent heard this in a bit

2008-01-02T11:58:00.000-08:00

INCOMPETENT STUPIDITIES

2008-01-02T11:57:00.001-08:00

first it was DBS bank. now it's pacific internet. i dont know what's wrong with singaporean companies. they fucking fuck up and they still act blur.

FUCK YOU-->

friend talk

2008-01-01T14:28:00.000-08:00

the thing is, i dun fucking like to selfcensor what i write but i have no choice becos in case ppl read them, they'll think i'm mad. fuck, now i can't even write wat i wanna on my own fucking blog.

london

2007-12-31T14:58:00.001-08:00

i didnt want to show this fucking ugly pic but aiyah lah, chin chai. how many ppl read this blog anyway. went to this nice cafe at soho. went there b4. very earthy and humble kinda italian deli/cafe. sat next to 2 FAGGOTS and they were like, fucking 'gods and monsters' old whose table was on e outside, as opposed to mine which was next to the wall. so u can imagine e difficulty i had trying to fit my ass through the gap between their table and mine when i went to toilet and returned. at first, they were rather amused, but later on, they looked slightly irritated cos i waited for them to finish talking their lady faggot talk b4 i 'slid' through e gap back to my seat.

fucking fags. anyway, later took a book from the 'book club' - what else? BIRD SONG by sebastian faulker which was what i was lookin for. what coincidence!?! incredible. fucking amazinggggggggggg.

i walked out w the book under my arm and no one stopped me. WAHAHAHAHA.

my friend took this shot just b4 i boarded e fucking train to fucking luton. i first came across this place when i was writing a story about london's luxury hotels n this one would in about 2 years be under the marriott group's renaissance. it's really gorgeous, i think it's even a better sight than the st paul. next to the westminister abbey, i think st pancras chambers building is a must-see sight - stupid tourists in london. go read on e history. it's q amazing and inside, i think even more amazing. the part that wil become e residence suites - i'm thinking, who e fuck's goin to stay in this place it's so frigging old and haunted, my god.

this is the room i stayed in at best western @ paddington shaftsbury. nice nice. turned out nice and inside e room, quite 4-star which i didnt expect cos from e outside, there was a fucking TEMPORARY SIGNBOARD which was more befitting of a frigging grocer.

i think wallpaper is v impt, so is the lighting. absolutely crucial is lighting. the new apt i must have must have great wallpaper and lighting. absolutely.

i saw the CHANEL logo when i was sitting at oxford street's starbucks - one of those and i was thinking: did coco chanel steal this idea from a lamp post in london? hmm...

the bathroom's lovely at the hotel - much nicer than u think from e picture above.

this caffe nero has great memories cos i came here every morning like 7 summers ago. everymonring i would hop over here after buying a newspaper at the opposite safeway and buy a large bottle of a soft drink b4 going down to the basement and sitting there, reading it till about 11am. really fabulous. i miss those days in that i missed talking to jen, a friend whom i made thx to the mornings there and i put here in e novel i wrote. sigh...too bad, we are not in touch anymore but i made anther one at warwick - EMMA!

this morning when i walked back from the hotel, along edgware road to oxford street, it was a walk down memory lane. nice. somehow didnt feel e gritty thing about the street, as opposed to luton's arndale mall (yucks).

i find london nice, refreshing from luton's dull, grim yucky reality. but somehow, today whe i walking down oxford street, specifically regent street, after coming out of ZARA n not buying anything, i felt kinda depressed and that was when i kinda understood y. that london made me, kinda, feel worthless, like i'm not good enough for myself cos of what i wa wearing. thx to the city's super rich, i think things are very different now for people in e uk. investments, etc...tax loopholes...

i think london i a place where u lose your soul and you stock up on sins. it's a hedonistic paradise where u can get whatever u want, if u have $ and nothing if you have some (yes, only some).

ENGLAND IS A 3RD WORLD COUNTRY!!!

2007-12-29T09:25:00.000-08:00

more reasons why UK is a 3rd country, the burnt out shell of a former empire.

1) u go out onto e streets and you see TARTS AND WHORES. young girls the age of about 15 dressing like britney spears and swearing
2) train attendants who prefer not to give you any information about the train service, instead, referring you to a TRAIN SCHEDULE BOOKLET.
3) walking on e street and feeling lke someone's going to rob you anytime because the kids are FERAL. - yes, ENGLAND's new generation is made up of FERAL CATS and DOGS WHO LOVE SHOPPING, TOPMAN and TOPSHOP and who aspire to be the megabimbo, VICTORIA BECKHAM.
4) there's nothing to do except to BOOZE at night
5) POLICE running around the whole day in town centres, doing nothing while the fERAL KIDS shout, drink, piss around and jerk around
6) POOR PRODUCTIVITY - the UKers shirk their responsibilities and want an easy life, looking at the hardworking immigrants.
7) DISLOYAL UKers who run off to SPAIN to live because the weather sucks and running off to S E Asia and other former colonies of the empire to suck them dry like fucking leeches while leaving their wives at home
8) THE FUCKING WEATHER - remember WUTHERING HEIGHTS??
9) KEIRA KNIGHTLEY - pathetic lousy actress
10) AWFUL FUCKED UP PEOPLE

heading home

2007-12-29T01:26:00.000-08:00

saw this gorgeous courtyard in the other side of town, across from the old town.

today the weather is nice in luton. i m sick o luton tho. how many times have i said it? the people in e uk are crude and crass. i dunno what to say.yest i was walking on e 'high street' in this cockhole of a town and three lasses, one of them shoutinginto the phone so damn loud "oh my ggggggoooood" and she used the F word like god knows how many times and no one on e street gves a hoot about her. another guy did e same thing.

one thing i know for sure, the english are made up of many crude, rude and badly mannered people. esp e younger generation. i dunno about e older genration but e ones i've seen in sg are equally badmannered. if i see any more chao angmoh talking cock about poor service stds in sg, or whatever else, i'll give them a piece of my mind about their rotten lousy countries.

FUCK YOU.

more pictures and thoughts...

2007-12-28T12:57:00.000-08:00

this is my fav cafe in palma. perhaps it's because i've never been in it and the allure is alwas there. undiminished. untainted.
i told myfriend after i saw it and after i took a shot of it. he said, lets go in.
i said no, we shouldnt. cos some beautiful things, like this cafe, should only be seen n experienced from a distance but u never participate in it. only from a distnace.

i passed by this residence in the old town. i liked the rich terracotta colour. love its richness and the way it spoke to you, humbly. i want this for my house. somewhere. perhaps in the kitchen. yes, e kitchen. not anywher ein e house. just e kitchen. somehow, the kitche is a place for me to retire to, to do my work.

i cant forget this shot of valldemossa. we were walking in e maze of residences, walkig past clouds of curious and some, more hostile stares, seeing pots of flowers hung on the walls of these homes. one particular one, this one, stood out.

siesta hour, we passed the other side of town, across the old town, in another maze. saw this shop, selling household decorative items, quite a fair number in palma. lovely decorative stuff. took e shot from outside the shop window.

sat at this cafe during siesta at soller. the town was a ghost town. so empty. when i got off e bus, i was so shocked. regreted not having gone to deia stop instead. pity. then walked past this super designer hotel in e midst of nowhere - L'AVENIDAS - then finally saw civilisation!

sat here after walking around the small town square. it was really authentic. smoky environment, apple pie and muffins, next to us, as we sat ext to the window, listening to the 'hola's coming from e clients who i was wondering, why werent they going home to spend time on a christmas eve dinner.

on e last day in majorca, everything was shut. still xmas day. and i walked so friggin far. walked and just somehow ended up halfway back e distance from my hotel at palmanova to la seu. walked up the slope and e roads to castell de belver. e view was stunning but of course, most parts of the views were yucky. but some views were worth it tho. lke this one. u got to see far away into the distance. the sea and sky were one and you cant make out where sea or sky ends. the sea just melts into the sky above or the sky just hovers below the sea.

la seu

2007-12-28T02:57:00.000-08:00

dont u think it looks liek arrogance? i find this cathedral super arrogant looking *u know what i mean. it looks mroe liek a castle n e builders obviously wanted it to look this way,

check out the way the arches surrounding it are. even the spires look like crowns. i'm sory, not too big a fan of catholicism. oops.

oh i ws so happy during those days at majorca. i find luton absolutely fucking depressing. i hate england. i find that i've never hated england so much and the studying experience here so comme-ci comme-ca.

my favourite facade opposite my favourite cafe at la seu. hehe

mountains and more mountains...

2007-12-28T02:35:00.000-08:00

these two shots of valldemossa

these two shots only what i have of deia and the winding treacherous roads - just 2-lanes and you see a giant fucking bus trying to crawl up and down e hills and the driver was STILL TALKING to the front passenger, he might as well just play cards with her.

next day, went on another expedition.

went to valledemossa first where chopin stayed for one measley winter. i wetnt there and got off bus, rushing to find toilet. always like this.

anyway, when we saw e place or monastery where he stayed w his lover, george sand (a lady, mind u).

finally, left after a hasty lunch, just sandwich, yucks but v quaint, not q touristy cafe altho i wonder why there arent any decent cafes in this touristy village. took e bus (buses come once in every 2-3 hours) and we went up a REALLY FUCKING TREACHEROUS MOUNTAIN PATH, so fucking steep.

past DEIA WHERE I SHOULD have got off but didnt, instead went to soller a little town near a sea port. nice lah, but not that fantastic. i think deia would really have made my day. when i first saw it, it was sitting on clouds, in e middle of nowwhere, like an island rising out of a moutain - can u imagine that? a fucking isle rising out of a valley in a fucking mountain.

love spaniards

2007-12-28T02:04:00.001-08:00

ok, just a quick pic on the xmas market in the old town.

anyway, the next day, it was a full trip out of palma. took a bus to several sea towns after palmanova where i stayed. went to santa ponca. went to tourist info b4 going for lunch at a nice chinese resturant - chinese in spain are reallllllllllllllllly nice, unlike in paris and other europena cities with so much fuckin attitude. they r genuinely nice.

went to the archaelogical site, up on e hill about 100over metres. what a fucking view of the sea and coastal area.

this is where we are, on e hill. the 'expedition' meant that we had to get down t the town u see at the cove in e mid of the picture where we had to climb up ACROSS THE HILL to get to the other side of the mountain, another village where we were to trek to - paguera.

we've on the otehr side of th ehill now. as you can see in the pic above, the summit of the hill was where i was standing and from where i took the pic above above. (dun mind my english).

here i'm just fucking around w the cat. cute. there were 2 of them. like shadows of a shadow. one was v friendly, which u see above. the other on was a 'piss off' look.

this s how the coves look. gorgeous waters amidst pink limestone? anyway, i went off e road, to the tracks off e coast and it was really beautiful. some had no roads so you had to just walk on e tracks and just enjoy e view.

anyhow, i made it up e lonesome road - v v v v v fucking quiet and i soon lost sight of other tourists. the rain clouds overhead gathered and it started to rain and pour. and there i was on the hill, trying to wonder where e road will end in paguera. apparently not. lost my way, saw a majorcan and grabbed him - where and how do i get to paguera. he was very nice. didnt speak mch english but very accommodating regardles whcih i really appreciated from spaniards.

went UP e hill, no directions, no signs, despite e stupid tourist office book which cost 1 euro. then went up a strange hill which is not relaly a road, just gravel, INTO someone's residential compound and me and my friend were suddenly trying to jump off e mountain and climb into areas which are clearly NOT FOR TRESPASSING. we went up past the cordoned off area on a small hill atop a hill, and were at a fence when we saw ANOTHR MAN who was trekking to paguera and he said, it's that way, on HIS SIDE OF THE FENCE. and we got frantic and quickly tryied to find a way - it was about coming to 5 and getting dark and no way do u wanna get stuck there in a forest or a winding road during winter.

finally, we tried our luck and just PICKED A TRACK in e midle of a the forest. saw a lot of crap which was really big in size and i said to my friend: "are there bears in this forest?". finally, we walked and walked, and it was treacherous at parts oh man. so narrow and if u slip, hasta la vista baby.

made it out finally out of the forest, into PAGUERA>.....yayayayayayayayay.

but anyway, we got into a german town where everything was german. it was just not my kinda place. we were getting stares. yuck.

what i realised is that the former colonial powers are still the same today. except they do it in the form of $. i mean, they go to small towns by the sea and just buY UP EVEERYTHING and every shop space and just call it their own little britain and little germany. gross. yucks. i dun understand why i would want to go to spain and live in a little singapore. it' s FUCKING STUPID!

where do i start...

2007-12-28T01:33:00.000-08:00

reached majorca about noon time. went for quick lunch, then went to walk around e coast. but apparently, it was like going to e uk. finally settled at macdonalds where it was really nice, affording a great view of the sea. saw these 3 kids (feral indeed!), having fun. they took the macdonalds paper boxes and plastic bottles, and were having so much fun throwing them INTO THE SEA! and their parents didnt intervened. one thing i noticed about majorcans (?) is that their kids are very naughty and their parents seem to give in a lot but they turned out really, quite proper. e older teenagers never seem to have e same attitude problems of the English (fucking awful and badly behaved).

check out these shots of the most wonderfully beautiful windows i saw in majorca. they're really balconies (dunno e name lah) and all windowed up. i duno y cos the weather's really q clement in majorca but perhaps to avoid the red dust from north africa that blows across from e seas.

i took this shot next to a cafe by LA SEU, the cathedral that's really quite famous in majorca's biggest city, palma. gorgeous cafe. i live to travel to cafes around e world. hehe. i wouldnt mind just hopping from cafe to cafe even when i travel.

check out e details on e door of the cathedral. gorgeous. i havent seen such details in many other continental european cathedral b4.

behind la seu, the cathedral, i saw a relaly nice courtyard in a residence. see e arab influence. well, they were run by e moors from 900 to 1200s (i think).

typical street in palma's old town:narrow, 5-6-storey buildings, balconies sticking out all over e place

anyway, from what i remembered, e 1st day at palma was spent just walking around. it was during e xmas period so many shops were getting ready to close. but e siesta time was strange. from 2-5, everone disappears off e streets and suddenly, u know u're running around in a world of tourists, tho not that many. after all, it's off peak season in majorca.

ok, so wha did i do during that siesta on tat day in palma?

went to dunkin coffee!

then after siesta, everything opened once again. this old town' mostly made up f streets; not quite many shops so dont expect much shopping. but really loved e SPANISH PEOPLE!

majorca, singapore

2007-12-20T10:54:00.000-08:00

tommorrow morning, i'm going to majorca for about 5 days.

also, today, i just learned that i'm heading back to singapore on 13th jan in the new year.

that means i wont be attending my winter graduation in jan and also, i wont be able to meet my brother and sis-in-law in paris originally planned for CNY.

i kinda feel kinda yucky. that going back to sg, means that i'm some kinda loser. i dunno. i m just set thinking still...

i hope not.

but then, i would have to go back to sg in early feb anyway so i'm just bringing my sg trip 1 month forward, am i not?

i'm moving to paris next year; not quite sure which months. maybe april, if everyhthing goes on well.

i was going to add a few lines here but i changed my mind cos i dont want my friends to think i'm some kinda freak.

if i sound like some kinda jetsetter, well, i m in some ways but honestly, there's a price to pay: poverty. i do live below e poverty line and i'm too fucking broke to even be able to afford holidays or paying the FUCKING AIRPORT TAX...

lovely thoughts

2007-12-18T15:56:00.000-08:00

1) i am loved by family, friends and lover (perry/YP/AL/RQ)
2) i am provided for
3) i can do what i want to do
4) i have great ppl like HUI PING who helped me tremendously
5) i have achieved plenty (book/FT/manhunt/societymag/radio/, etc etc)
6) i am now realising e mistakes about my past and what one can make
7) i'd love to have a puppy
8) i'd love to have a kitten
9) love to regard world cinema films
10) i am completing my 1st novel draft
11) i have experienced a 'miracle' last year
12) i m going to buy a house next year
13) i want to live in paris and hang out w E and Joyce and other new friends
14) i want to travel to japan again to see and live there
15) ...
16)...
17)...
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confronting your fear

2007-12-18T14:43:00.000-08:00

can i do it? i dont want to continue to 'run', distract, escape.

i've been trying to escape for years, since SIM days when i hung out w friends, etc.

now i think it's time to stop running.

i think for years, it's like, i've been always trying to 'hold onto' someone to protect me from e ghosts who are reaching out their hands from e shadows.

the shadows are those pockets of time where i m alone; truly, especially when at sleep, or before i drift off to sleep. but then, once i m alone, they come, attack me.

imust find a way to stop them; to fend them off so that they won't come again. they will forvever be banished.

fuck ghosts.

morbid shdow

2007-12-18T14:12:00.000-08:00

another day has passed. not a day goes by without my feeling the shadows of morbidity.
feel that somehow, something is wrong w my body, specifically my stomach. that i'm susceptible to cancer.

i wrote to a friend just now, telling her my thoughts; that why is it that i prayed so hard to the Gods and the Buddha and that my prayers are not answered - specifically, y e pain and discofmort hasnt gone away.

so wouldnt that mean taht all my prayers are bogus, that the Gods and evertyhing is not real, that they are just a figment of my own imaginationa nd that they dont quite exist and that everything is mere coincidence, whether gd or bad.

therefore, in such circumstances, shoudlnt i be guided by a lack of morals, and i should go about and do whatever fuck i wanna do. that means that i shouldnt give a fuck about people's feelings, or about morality in terms of doing whatever fuck i wanna; wheter sex or money or stealing or any possible fuck u can tihnk of.

i m kind tempted. already i believe incerasingly that the material life is the only life; that there is nothing above that cos i've tried it and apparently it doesnt work. so in e event of impending death, we just wait to be put out like a pathetic bonfire.

it's 10.15pm now.

i wrot emy friend too that ironically, i m always in search of something to ELUDE myself; anything to distrac tme from me. and then, isnt that as good as dying? isnt that like, death? to die is to lose your selfconsciousness and i just feel that that's what i've been pursuing all these years. so WHY E FUCK AM I SO FRIGHTENED OF DEATH? WHY AM I SO AFRAID TO DIE?

i don't know. it's easy for my ex counsellor, hui ping to say : "think...so what if you do hav cacncer?"

"i don't konw. fear."

"and?"

"scared loh," i say.

"scared but still? you have to face it right? you ahve to accept it right?"

yes, i agree w her. but somehow, i just suddenly understand that part of myself; that really, i'm a fucking irony. maybe it's just e pain i dun want. how wonderful would that b? it's like dying in your sleep. i think that'd be ideal.

my best friend...

2007-12-16T14:57:00.000-08:00

called me today. i m glad. she said yada yada yada about many things; that she hasnt been doing what i thought she was doing. glad to hear her say that about me.

anyway, i have not been doing much these past few days. i think i have to focus on my novel . the gist of it; to finsih e fucking thing.

i'm looking forward to two new movies that will come my way. FLANDERS and another one, i forgot. haha.

must focus on good things. wonderful things.

1) went gym today
2) didn't feel so ill today; felt better in terms of my 'flu' yesterday
3) stomach felt better today than yesterday
4) spoke to my best friend today who 'allayed' my fears
5) there was SUNSHINE today
6) did a fair bit of writing on my novel today

i'm leaving next week for somewhere, dunno where yet. my friend will tell me where we're going. but we're going for about 5 days. yes, i do think that i'm so globetrotter.

actually, next year, i might be moving to paris. my brother's there and my sister-in-law and i'm really looking forward to it.

laying the blame

2007-12-15T08:59:00.000-08:00

i know that i have a part to blame. but there are those who ought to take e blame too.

if i get cancer, it's because of three persons:

1) mr yong who fucking pissed me off last year
2) mr fucking chao chee bye pinoy( fuckyou fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you...goes on)
3) mr fucking chao angmoh E W (fuck you and your bf and your and your bf and on and on)

now i feel so fucking absolutely miserable becos of my stomach. i wonder why.

is there a GOD? if there is, please help me and help rid of this stupid pain and discomfort and gas in my stomach. i just want it to go and i dont want cancer.

zui lang man de shi

2007-12-13T12:47:00.000-08:00

strange how time flies.

i m listening to this song by zhao yong hua. it reminds me of that time when i was in army. 92-94. feels like an entire universe ago. it's strange, somehow, i remembered that period as an extremely traumatic period yet there was pockets, when i feel even reminiscent.

it was the particular nights during that time when at night, i missed someone very much. it was a wonderfully, pure love. i dunno if its love but i knew that the affection was pure.

how do you explain about jsut desiring to be with someone; to be near there, to see their eyes, to hope that they would only look at you for that moment, only to have them come into your office or room to look for you to say hi, to say nothing. to just be together. to be in their presence.

lovely.

i remembered that night when i was lying in the vehicle and that outside, there was the giant grandfather clock hanging in the sky, and it was cold. so we retired into the vehicle and just stayed there, lying on our backs, one arm behind our heads, one leg crossed over the other. no gazes between us, just looking up at the ceiling of that vehicle and we just do nothing but hear each other's breathes. then you turn to me and look at me and asked me matter-of-factly questions like, "are you feeling hot?" or "do you want a mat?".

but the next day, once the sun came up, it was all over.

sigh...i still remember those times when we hung out in the dormitory and we did nothing but hung out. at nights in the dusty corridors, as the wind whistled through the windows in the empty rooms, there were only 2 persons in this world, and two hearts. yours and mine.

you came into the room after your shower and then, lie down on the mattress, and just before bed, you'd put your hand on my head, give it a quick rub before saying "goodnight".

i wonder where u are now, as i listen to zui lang man de shi in my heart.

the most romantic thing in the world, is to grow old with you...

bishonen...i love you

2007-12-13T11:12:00.001-08:00

This is one of my favourite movies - BISHONEN. absolutely love it love it.

found this song accidentally one day when surfing. wonderful japanese song.

walk on... kellie coffey

2007-12-13T03:57:00.000-08:00

http://www.myspace.com/kelliecoffeyartistpage

check out this song by her. i liked it very much. i was at the airport charles de gaulle waiting for my flight to luton when i heard this from an mp3 phone from this frenchie sitting next to me

"excusez moi, qu'est ce cette chanson?" I asked him.

"walk on..." he replied.

go to the link above and you can hear the song.

up this mornin...and stars last night

2007-12-13T01:49:00.000-08:00

last nite, i opened e window in the deep of winter (well, sorta). it was fucking freezin but i decided to try my luck at star gazing.

these few days, it's supposed to be raining meteorites - some gemini BS, not quite sure their name but supposed to be a meteor shower that's very nice and pretty.

i saw lovely stars last nite - amazin how clear they look after your eyes get accustomed to the darkness. but no shooting stars yet, not like e ones i saw in the white desert in egypt.

anyway, will try again tonight...hehe. this time, with a thicker coat.

anyway, the sun's out now! lovely. yippeE!

this is the view of outside from my apartment. trust me, when e weather gets grim, it gets fucking grim.

that's the building directly opp mine. you see those tiny yelllow figures? those poor constructionw orkers on the rooftop. it may be a rooftop garden they're working on - not sure - but poor guys, it's freezing out there and e winds are really gusty. (this building is v v new).

thoughts ...good

2007-12-12T15:06:00.000-08:00

1) gorgeous sunshine today
2) great gym workout today
3) msn with perry - lovely lovely friend and very reliable
4) stomach better bit today

i can't help but say that i m disappointed w a good pal who's dating now again. i feel that it's a big mistkae. big mistake. sigh. i feel disappointed w her cos she's like disappearing - y do girls just disappear whenever they find a man? i think it's just stupid. well, whatever it is, dont come looknig for me when you have trouble because i dun fucking have time for fairweathered friends.

i dun wanna pin my hopes on friends. better to rely on oneself.

geneva

2007-12-12T14:04:00.000-08:00

i absolutely adore geneva.

i checked out several museums

the art and history museum, the museum of the reformation and the last one, the rath museum which has temporary exhibitions ( it has a philip de champaigne show).

eating out at geneva is so frigging expensive. having a slice of cake is at least 4 or 5CHF (swiss francs) - 1CHF is about 0.8SDG.

i did not particularly like the swiss pastries. i dun know y but somehow i found the pastries cafes or shops, not that aesthetically pleasing. strange. the cakes look nice, but not quite fine or 'polished' enough.

i hung out at this particular GLOBUS departmental store which is supposed to be e oldest departmental store at geneva. i hung out at the food court, which has the most wonderful ambience and if u 're lucky, you can find a place that faces outside, on the cobblestoned square.

even tho the weather sux in geneva, it's like having a soggy piece of pastry; the weatehr's coming down like a flat pastry, and the weather's damp and moist and cold!

but oh well, i had a good time cos the people were so nice!

this shot i took random when i was just walking on the street near e lake and it has CHINESE faces. weird. oh well, i dunno leh, i'm very partial to chinese slights. but this one, i think probably isn't.

i took this shot at the top of the ST PIERRE CATHEDRAL atop a hill (i'm atop the roof too). the view's v panoramic but it was frigging cold and the winds were strong. st pierre's a great spot at geneva. just lovely.

this is one view from e top of the cathedral.

this is a shot of the old town where st pierre cathedral is atop the hill. i was at the opera house. they were going to show the enchanted flute, pity expensive.

this is russian church which was built thx to the financial assistance of one of the russian czar's sis-in-law who died like, aeons ago.

nice quaint cafe. not q sure they were serving but it was some kind of genevoise cuisine.

lovely architecture. i love e colours of this particular building; that light yellow with magenta windows

back from geneva

2007-12-11T12:58:00.000-08:00

i m sitting in the apartment now. just back from geneva.

i love geneva. ok, not quite love but i do like geneva very much. it's not v tres belle BUT the people are tres simpatico and sympatique. oh, they are so incredibly polite and what have u...

u don't think people are racist there at all, except for the ones w the germanic faces - oops. i mean, u know u travel around e world and see how black people are treated like shit but in geneva, u see them looking quite happy, pleasantly and they get along w other white people well, even as macdonalds where they work together and smile together. u feel that white people genuinely are nice to black peoople and not afraid of them in geneva.

no wonder geneva is the wiorld's 2nd best city in terms of living standards.

no, je ne veux pas Paris. Je l'aime, GENEVA...but only if i live in the old town...

fear and trembling - WONDERFUL movie!

2007-12-06T16:22:00.001-08:00

This show is just fabulous. some more subtext.

it's about a belgian lady who goes to japan to work (she was born in japan but loves the japanese culture so much that she wants to do that), and what happens.

great wonderful wonderful, is all i can say.

the show was adapted from a novel by amelie nothomb and made into a movei in 2005 and it was really big (i think). in fact, the novel won some book prize in france.

don't watch this show and not expect not to be outraged. i saw it and felt outraged by the ludicrous stereotypes, yet somehow,amidst the storyline, there are layers that you can pick and dissect and think about.

there is no sex in e movie but the whole movie feels v sexual - being hurt, pleasure, pain, hurting others, etc...all set in the context of the japanese office.

must watch!

i've put the synopsis below - there are spoilers, so read it if it interests you.

The heroine, whose name is Amelie, returns with her parents to her native Belgium. But she has fallen in love with Japan, and at the age of 20, she returns to take a job with a vast corporation and "become a real Japanese." Now played by Sylvie Testud as a college graduate who speaks perfect Japanese, she is hired as a translator and assigned to work under the beautiful Fubuki (Kaori Tsuji). She idolizes this woman, so beautiful, so flawless, so tall -- too tall, probably, to ever marry, Amelie reflects.

The story of her year at the Yumimoto Corp., based on a semi-autobiographical novel by Amelie Nothomb, is the story of a Westerner who speaks perfect Japanese but in another sense does not understand Japanese at all. In one way after another she commits social errors, misreads signals, violates taboos and has her fellow workers wondering, she is told, "how the nice white geisha became a rude Yankee." That she is Belgian makes her no less a Yankee from the Japanese point of view; what is important is that she is not Japanese.

Consider her first blunder. She is ordered to serve coffee to visiting executives in a conference room. As she passes around the cups, she quietly says, "Enjoy your coffee." Soon after she leaves the room, the visiting executives walk out in anger, and Omochi (Bison Katayama), the boss of the boss of her boss, screams, "Who is this girl? Why does she speak Japanese?" But, she says, she was hired because she speaks Japanese. "How could they discuss secret matters in front of a foreigner who speaks Japanese?" the boss of her boss screams. "You no longer speak Japanese!"

She argues that it is impossible for her to forget how to speak Japanese, but this is taken as an example of her inability to understand Japan. She learns quickly that the corporate hierarchy is unbending: "You may only address your immediate superior, me," says Fubuki. Eager to find a role, Amelie begins to distribute the mail, only to find she is taking the job of the mailman. She assigns herself to updating every calendar in the office but is told to stop because it is a distraction. That's a shame, because she finds she enjoys her simple tasks. "How silly I was to get a college degree," she says in the narration, "when my mind was satisfied by mindless repetition. How nice it was to live without pride or brains!" Eventually she is assigned to clean the toilets.

This is indeed a woman who is lost in translation. But how accurate is this portrait of Japanese corporate life? I searched for a review from Japan, but wasn't able to find one. My guess is that an actual Japanese corporation has been transformed here through a satirical filter into an exaggeration of basic truths: There is a hierarchy, there is suspicion of foreigners, no one who is not Japanese can ever possibly understand the Japanese, etc. The author Donald Richie has lived in Japan for most of the last 56 years and written invaluable books about its society and films; he was able to relax and adjust, he writes in his recently published journals, only when he realized that he would always be an invisible outsider, exempt from social laws because he was not expected to be able to understand them.

"Fear and Trembling," directed by Alain Corneau, may be a sardonic view of Japanese corporate culture, but that's not all it is. The movie is also subtly sexual and erotic, despite the fact that every scene takes place in the office and there is not a single overt sexual act or word or gesture or reference. Sexuality in the movie's terms is transferred into the power of one person over another; Amelie begins by adoring Fubuki, but eventually realizes that the other woman hates her and is jealous of her as a competitor. Fubuki finds her one demeaning task after another, and Amelie responds simply by -- doing them. By submitting.

This response has a quietly stimulating result for Fubuki, who is aroused by Amelie's submission. The brilliance of the movie is to suppress all expression of this arousal; we have to sense it in small moments of body language, in almost imperceptible pauses or reactions, in the rhythm set up between command and obedience. Understanding Fubuki better than she understands herself, Amelie is eventually able to win the game by becoming so submissive, so much in fear of the taller, more powerful woman, that a kind of erotic release takes place. She exaggerates the "fear and trembling" that, it is said, one should exhibit when addressing the emperor.

The movie that comes to mind is "Secretary," the 2002 film with James Spader as a lawyer whose new secretary, played by Maggie Gyllenhaal, gradually enters with him in an S/M relationship that she, as the submissive one, finds a source of power (and amusement). Much the same thing happens in "Fear and Trembling"; that it happens below the level of what is said and done and acknowledged makes it doubly erotic, because it cannot be admitted or acknowledged. The film ends again in the Kyoto rock garden, whose message is perhaps: If you could see all the rocks at once, what would be the point of the garden?

ripostes and silences

2007-12-06T13:25:00.001-08:00

here i m, sitting upstairs in haagen daz facing somewhere along e boulevard betw louvre and opera.

i was so fucking fatigued.

someone asked me why i didnt' speak up when people in europe do things that can piss me off.

well, i did and i do.

what instances? when pplk are rude to me, i show it. when ppl are disgusting to me, i show it.
e.g
1) when lady at reception ask me to wait when i wanted to check out. i turned to look at her and showed her my face. she asked "did u take anything from mini bar?" i said NO. "cest tout?" (that's all?). she suddenly beamed and said YES. i turned d walked off.

2) a man stopped me on e road and asked me for something/direction along boulevard port royale. i said "i don't understand what you're saying" and walked off.

3) security at museum told me to "stop swinging my audioguide" and to "wear it around my neck". i said "no, i didn't swing it" and no, i didn't wear it around my neck becos i dont need no fucking security man to tell me what to do. BUT i didn't try to explain anything to him becuase he couldn't even understand me. at one point, he asked me "vous parlez francaise?". i said NON, really curt. so that's my riposte, kinda.

4) another person on plane today, sat inside and along e aisle, i placed my coat. then, later a man wanted to sit there and asked him, if that coat's his. the 1st man said no, and simply picked up my coat and put it in the seat in front of him. i was chafed and picked up my coat, gave a really grousy look on my face but of course, i didnt say anything because wat was e point? say what? something sarcastic? i didn't want to waste my time.

nor

5) when they were announcing that people get on the plane; passengers under 'A'. how e fuck did i know where i was? so i finly, walked up to the counter, and the man checked my internet boarding pass and i asked him how wld i know if i were A or B, or whatever. he said "it's HERE!" he circled. i was going to board the plane, and didn't bother.

the point is...you don't always need to have e last say because sometimes u just don't need to fucking care and when that happens, i know that it doesnt bother or affect my that much anymore. that's all i want to say to a friend who asked me "why i didnt say something back"...

louvre arts and decoratifs

2007-12-06T11:55:00.001-08:00

went to louvre. instead of the usual wings that i went to, i accidentally chanced upon the arts and decoratifs museum instead. i went in, at first, the security guard asked to check my bag, i was wonderign ifg he was being racist but apparently not - after that, he smiled at me. later, i wentto the bookshop of that museum wing and i thot for a moment the securrity guard was actually trying to SEE IF I WAS SHOPLIFTING. but i told msyelf -stiop being an idiot. i was.

anyway, i took some shots of certain items which i loved but they looked awful in these shots but i'll try to show u anyway.

this is one of those tables which was used by some countess in france and it was covered in BLACK turtle shell something (haha was i really listening?). but black was really in back then...

armoire - old ancient cabinet - i just absolutely love this piece of work. it looks so wonderful, a precursor to rococo style.

this last shot was taken when i was at the arts et decoratifs museum, just overlooking the tuileries gardens, which used to be where the old palace was during the medici dynasty - if u watched queen margot, you'll remember that old bitch dowager who was that bitch queen.

the wheel is set up once again, in the distance u see, at place de la concorde but i missed it - didnt have time OR DIDNT MAKE TIME to go. i've always wanted to sit on it but always miss it, either cos it was not set up by the time i wanted to or whatever lah.

sun is out in PARIS!

2007-12-06T11:37:00.000-08:00

i walked out of the metro stop at the old opera house, and this was the grim weather. but after....while i was on my way to the louvre, PRESTO!

the sun is in my eyes!

i stood along the boulevard near Garnier Opera (the royal opera) and suddenly, the SUN came out! i haven't seen the sun for days. the lack of sun is getting to me and now, i just realised that i miss it so much - miss asia in that sense.

when u live in asia, you really take e sun for granted. suddenly, in europe, you just miss so much e things that are so dear to you and suddenly they disappear.
sigh......

search for the ultimate patisserie - JAPONAISE

2007-12-06T11:19:00.000-08:00

1st day, i planned to go on a trek to find the ultimate patisserie.

SADAHARU AOKI. he's supposed to be up there, as good as the french patissiers. so i went in search.

finally found it! BUT i went in, there was a japaense girl and she was like, super attitude, shot off a smattering of french - i don't know why but the asians i've seen in paris and europe are generally so full of attitude - they are very seldom nice to you or smile, nADA. just only an icy stare.

i asked her if i could take some shots. she said NO. but in the typical japanese way of smiling for a nanosecond before firing "NO!".

ok, point taken. anyway, i took this shot of the SESAME ECLAIR i bought.

this is the badly focused shot of the eclair. it's not that bad: quite nice, bit sweet, bit squeeshy but ok lah. it's quite tasty and i wanted to buy another one but i changed my mind becos i had to walk so far and i din't want to loh.

travels in PARIS

2007-12-06T09:43:00.000-08:00

This is the famed Notre Dame whcih featured Quasimodo by Victor Hugo. I was supposed to go to the Victor Hugo museum but then, when i reached the place by the fashionable Marais district, I walked in and the guy at the recption gave me a look (i'm v particular about white boys lookin down on chinese/asians). I greeted first...comme ca

"bonjour"

"bonjour," he replied.

"err....do you have signs in English in the museum?"

"NON."

"err...ok......so do you have an audioguide in English?"

"NON!"

i turned on my heel and walked. disappointed. i mean, are only french ppl going to appreciate victor hugo? PLEASE.

anyway, i left and was strange. think wasn't fated to go to the museum that day cos i went to antoher one, georges pompidou and it was fucking CLOSEd - they closed only on tues and i heng heng went on tues. fuck.

but ok lah. went to get myself a new spiffy turtleneck.

I didn't particularly like this hotel but ok lah. can't complain. it's hotel des nations but last time round, i stayed at a similarly 3-star one but was more 'boutique' in nature - i really love boutique style hotels but not quite e posh ones - unless u talk about ritz-carlton or 4-seasons but no grand classic hotels pls - yucks.

when we reached the place, it turned out to be quite a walk from st germain area. the reception guy was very much like my friend's friend (parisian) and even sounded like him - meaning, v gallant (go figure).

gay paree...

2007-12-06T09:35:00.000-08:00

This is the first part of my journey; on the way to Cardinal Lemoine station. I took this shot on the train, unwittingly not knowing that there was a couple on the LEFT KISSING. hehe. weird.

i've lived in paris for a while and been there quite a few times but seldom remember seeing couples kissing -- well, yes but not that many times. Robert Dosneau (did i spell him right, off hand?)'s The Kiss is just caricature.

musings before heading to paris

2007-12-03T03:52:00.000-08:00

this morning 's a bit of a dash.

had to submit a freelance story for SPA CHINA. then had to cook lunch, earlier than usual. the sun's out today but i still hate luton.

past few days was realyl gusty, bit of gales about.

then, later, got to head to luton airport to catch e flight. willreach paris about 6-ish.

PARIS!!!!!!!

last few nites, i dreamt of 2 friends whom i no lonegr speak to.
one's a gd buddy i used to be very chuumy with and he upped and offed to oz with a rich bf who is really, quite snooty in some way - his bf came to sg and asked to meet me "oh laiyew asked me to speak to you" but in the end, twisted and turned the schedule and appointment about and it was just really awful and at the end of the day -> bad fucking manners.

the other is a butch i excommunicated becos she's always taking ppl for granted. aiyah, that one long story. anyway, i had a good time when she was still nice.

i find dthat i'm always looking back now. looking back looking back. i want to look forward.

what are the good things? must think of them.

i can't wait for my novel to finish, my first draft really. then need to find someone who can sort out of my pathetic english. finally, i can do it! --> aspiring novelists usually never get published wahahaha. whatever.

anyway, last nite, DBS royally fucked up my internet banking. they said e stupidest things ever. apparently my internet banking device is NOT mine -> they claim that i was using someone els'e's pin and therefore they are treating me like some fraudster. i said to the customer service "you guys are really fucking up and i don't care whether you record this or not becuase you really bloody did".

aiyah, long story. just have to wait for them tos ort out that one.

really can't wait to try sahadaru's SESAME ECLAIR! will take shots and put i tup here.

LOOK-SEE

2007-12-02T15:37:00.000-08:00

This short story was published in the Warwick anthology, Broadcast 2 in November 2007. Have a read and give me your comments. It's part of a longer piece of work which I hope will be published some day.

Look-see

The house never felt like it was part of me. When I had grown up and we
had moved away from grandmother's, the house was filled with odd
characters, strangers whose lives had remained unfathomable until now.

There was this dark-eyed man with a long chin and a perpetually sulky
countenance. He often loitered in the house, standing behind the door
and staring out into the street, as if weighing in his mind the dangers
lurking on Club Street before sidling up from behind me and on to the
alleys. There was another face; one kind and vulnerable which belonged
to a plump, matronly woman. She looked like a trapped housewife, her
eyes puffy and bloodshot. This woman always seemed to be in the midst
of domestic chores, steadying herself on the stairs as she made her way
around the house with a basket or pail in hand. Another person who I
could not forget was a frumpy woman who was always seated next to
grandmother as she held court in the house to friends and neighbours.
At first, I mistook her for a relative but later found out that she was the
wife of one of the tenants whom mother had dismissed as someone who
was "slightly weaker up there”. No wonder she didn’t look quite right.
She had a patchy complexion and her skin looked as if it hadn’t been
scrubbed in a long time. She constantly had a look of indifference and
her eyes wandered all over the room as wisps of smoke hung in the air
like a veil.

There was something that was not quite right about the house too.
Weng came by the house yesterday. I had planned to see Dr Heng
but the appointment was cancelled as he was called away to an
emergency retinal operation. I was quite upset at first. I had
looked forward to seeing him. There had been no improvement in my
eyesight. Although it had not worsened, the dark blurry patch in my
lower right peripheral vision was still quite disconcerting. At times,
it felt as if that dark curtain was spreading. In the nights, it felt worse.
The doctors I had seen so far had said that I might have to get
accustomed to my newly blighted vision. But I had no plans to live
with an incomplete eyesight. It happened in the afternoon. Weng
was dressed differently. Gone were the jacket and trousers. In their
stead was a casual smart ensemble; a polo t-shirt and pants.

“No one was around so I helped myself in here,” he said.

“Are we expecting an inspection today?” I asked.

“Just a look-see.”

“Wasn’t my mother here a while ago?”

“I didn’t see her at all. I saw you at the meeting at number 76, didn’t I?”

“Yes. Did I stick out like a sore thumb?”

“The kids never usually turn up.”

“So you’re not looking for my mother?”

Weng looked at a piece of paper he had in his hand, lifted his glasses
slightly and strained his eyes for a better look.

“Ong Feng Yi?”

“My aunt’s out.”

“Won’t make a difference.” He then removed his glasses and looked up
at the ceiling. There were large cracks on the beams, which were
unlacquered. “You’ve got teak up there?”

“Sorry, I’m not quite sure.”

He glanced at me and looked away, and I caught a hint of a frown.

“Teak’s good but expensive. It's hard to find houses with teak. Only
those with money can afford it. It’s not as if everyone who has money
would want to anyway… It looks like teak,” he then pointed at the
beams.

He took a good hard look at me before looking around the room.

“This house creaks like hell, doesn’t it?”

“It can.”

“That’s the thing. Nobody can be bothered with floorboards.
Silly, isn’t it? They make time for the beams but not the floor boards.”

“Are you talking about fire hazards?”

“Yes. And termites. Remove a nail and the whole place will collapse.”

“Collapse?”

He had a look at mother’s make-shift bed under the stairs and
scribbled notes.

“My mother. She likes to sleep there,” I said.

“That hardly surprises me. There’s this crazy man who prefers to
sleep on the roof because he couldn’t stand the heat.” He turned to
me and scrutinised my face. “You’re visiting your mother?”

“I live here."

"She needs someone to be around the house?"

"No. I just got back from overseas.”

“I see. From?”

“England.”

“I’m sure there’s a certain charm to living in this house compared
to those in England, no?”

“Sometimes I wonder if I'm hearing things,” I confessed.

“You have the dua peh gong, don’t you?” Weng pointed to the altar
on which the deity sat. “He is the protector.”

“The dua peh gong’s been here for years…”

“Do you pray? Or are you Christian?” he asked.

“I prayed when I was younger. But I haven’t in a while.”

“Are you an atheist?” he looked at me with suspicion. “Atheists are
rare though.”

“I’m agnostic."

“You’re not sure if there’s a God? But how can you not be sure?
It will be difficult if you’re not decisive.”

“Being agnostic is also a choice,” I said, annoyed.

“Of course it is.” Weng noticed my displeasure and changed the
topic. “I used to live in a shophouse too. There were rats everywhere.
Goddamned rats. We don’t seem to be able to do anything about
them. They’d come at night and nibble at everything. We had
to store the food high up so that they could not reach it.
They’re bold all right. They’ll look at you right in the face.”

Weng turned his attention to the kitchen briefly before looking
up at the stairs.

He went up the stairs and the creaking began.

“Looks intact,” he said. He was quite nimble on the stairs.
“Most of the others have bits missing.”

“A house is a house.”

Weng looked at me, as if he could not understand what I
had said.

“Just a roof over your head,” I went on.

“How many generations of you have lived here?”

“My grandparents…maybe forty years.”

“That’s hardly long.”

“What’s considered long?” I asked.

“A hundred years. Good old tradition. That’s when a house is not just
a house.”

“So why are you involved in this kind of dirty work?”

Weng looked at me, slightly amused. “Ah, dirty work.”

He led the way up to the second floor and noticed the room on the
right; that forbidden and menacing world which I had glimpsed through
the keyhole as a child. Slivers of light escaped from the sides of the
window shutters near the door.

Weng tried to open the door.

“What is in here?”

“No idea.”

He looked incredulous.

“You’re telling me you’ve never been inside?”

“For as long as I can remember,” I said with a straight face.

Weng kneaded his brows. As he peered at the keyhole, his hand
clutching onto the door knob, he commented: “Your family’s got
a chest of gold inside?”

I could not tell if he was joking.

“What’s this all about?” It was Fengyi. She came up the stairs swiftly
and Weng straightened himself when he saw her.

“Weng was speculating how much treasure is tucked away in the
room,” I told her.

Fengyi did not look amused.

“There’s a ghost in that room,” she said.

“A ghost?” I muttered.

“Whose ghost?” Weng asked.

Fengyi shrugged her shoulders. “No idea.”

“You’re joking?” Weng said but when he saw how serious Fengyi
looked, he asked, "What happened?"

But Fengyi had something else on her mind. “Is this an inspection?”

“Evaluation would be more accurate.”

“Is there a need to?” she said.

“These houses are very old. It would make sense to.”

“To evaluate its market value?” I asked.

Fengyi frowned. “I thought the URA has no intention of selling
the house?”

“We won’t,” Weng said.

“Then why the need to evaluate?” Fengyi asked.

“Like I said, we just want to make sure that things are in order.”
Weng moved away from the door.

Fengyi took out a bunch of keys from her pocket, a thick set of
metal teeth. She ran her long fingers over them before picking out
one and unlocked the door. Then she put both her hands on the knob
and gave a nudge with her leg. The door opened. I was surprised
to see that it did not creak.

Weng quickly regained his interest in the room and looked inside.
I could not see much. It was too dark. But I could see faint light
on the other side of the room.

“Smells like something’s burning,” Weng looked at me. I could
hardly smell anything except for the stale air.

“The light’s coming from --” I asked.

“--next door,” Fengyi replied.

“Isn’t it empty?” Weng turned and asked Fengyi.

“Truth is, this room is locked because no one has lived here
in a long time.”

“How many smaller rooms are in here?” he asked. “Where are
the lights?” he groped for the switch on the wall inside.

“They were not repaired.”

“You don’t plan to do up the place?”

“Some of the wood has also gone very bad,” she added.

“Looks like I can’t assess the damage today. I’ll have to report it.
What’s upstairs?” he asked and stepped away from the room.

“Just our sleeping quarters,” Fengyi said.

“How many of you live upstairs?”

“Three."

“Does anyone in the house smoke?” Weng asked.

“Grandma used to smoke like a chimney,” I said and looked at Fengyi.

“No one,” she told Weng.

We went upstairs. Weng had a look at both our rooms and for the
first time, I saw Fengyi and Peng’s room. It was as austere as mine.
There was a dressing table and a low single bed. A rolled-up rattan
mat was tucked away on one side of the wall.

“You really should try the new beds. Some of them are not that soft,”
Weng told Fengyi.

“You prefer hard beds?” I asked Fengyi.

“The beds you young people prefer are too soft for our backs. Even
for your mother. Besides, it's too hot with mattresses,” she replied.

We quickly wound up our tour of the house and made our way down.

“I hope to take a look at that room again sometime,” Weng reminded
us.

Fengyi simply nodded.

“Let me reassure you that we won’t do anything unless it’s absolutely
necessary.

The URA adheres strictly to the 3R principle.”

“3R?” I asked.

“Maximum retention, sensitive restoration and careful repair. That is,
if all goes well and everyone decides to hand the houses over to us. By
the way, I’ve noticed that the urn in which you put your joss sticks for
the dua peh gong …” Weng was scrutinising the cantilevered altar.

“We consulted someone for it,” Fengyi said.

“It could be a serious fire hazard over there.”

Fengyi laughed nervously. “I can’t do anything about that.”

“I’m not suggesting that you remove it. Just move it elsewhere.”

“Altars cannot be moved once they’re set up.”

“The dua peh gong has to stay, I understand. But maybe over
there, in the kitchen under the cement roof. The URA takes
potential hazards seriously.”

Fengyi finally agreed to give it some thought.

“So what’s inside that the room?” I asked Fengyi.

“Nothing. Just rotten planks.”

Later that night, I was awakened by the creaking again. At first I
thought Fengyi or Peng was still up. But the house was in darkness
when I opened my eyes.

I got up, a little dazed and peeped outside. There was no one. I
walked to the stairs and looked down. I could hardly make out if
someone was on the ground level.

Was mother awake? The creaking then stopped. I sat down on the
sofa next to the stairs where the moonlight shone down from the skylight.

Then it started again. In the still of the night, it sounded like the
low-pitch buzz of a bee, droning in my head. I knew then that the
noise was not something I had imagined; it seemed to have come
from the floor below.

I tiptoed to the stairways and walked down. I was careful to be
as light as possible on my feet. I did not want to disturb Fengyi and
Peng, and I carefully watched my own footing on the stairs.

Then she came my way, unaware of my presence. When Fengyi realised
that it was me, she looked a little startled. When she looked away,
I knew she harboured a secret. She didn’t want to acknowledge my
presence. I felt as if she was wishing me away.

She said nothing, not a word. She glided past me and went up the
stairs. She was soon out of sight.

I must have stood there for some time, dazed. I had many
questions, no answers. I proceeded to make my way down and
along the corridor, the smell of smoke grew.

Cigarette smoke.

I reached the stairs and looked down. It was dark except for
the surreal glow of the vermillion bulbs that lit the Dua Peh
Gong’s altar. Mother was probably fast asleep, lost in her own
dreamland. I turned back, away from this futile journey and
tried to put behind me the ghosts of the house, and the echoes
of nocturnal sounds and smells; to find my way back home.

end

life in venice

2007-12-02T15:33:00.001-08:00

i was here last week at venice. this is my 2nd trip to venice and i remembered this part, a tiny lagoon just behind the st mark's sq.

nice. lookin back, it's great to remember that time, altho it was bitterly cold at times, and wet msotly which i fucking hate cos my shoes turned into rubbish shoes - wet and soggy stuff - i only have a pair of thin socks which i had to wash everynight.

the room was kinda crummy despite being 3-star. disappointing and the room was so FUCKING cold all the time.

but i really enjoyed venice this time round. hehe.

balzac and the little seamstress

2007-12-02T15:22:00.000-08:00

i saw this movie last night. i've read the book a few years back. was rather forgettable but then, if u like this bit of maudlin thingy, watch it. quite good and wonderful actors. i think actors from china are really q amazing...

thots at random

2007-12-02T14:56:00.000-08:00

now, it's about 11pm. i haven't done much. fuck. supposed to do my novel today but i just frittered it away. f f f!

stomach feeling bit upset; last few days had bit of indigestion. but today, had bit of gastric; why does it always alternate between the both??? fuck, i m sick of the gallstone thing and i dunno if its gallstone at all and i want to wish it not.

please pleaseeeeeeee...my ancestors, pls do not torment me this way. i dont want to carry your sins and your torments in my life and pls do not manifest them through me. it would be terrible, a terrible and evil thing to do.

anyway, i was in venice last week and tommorrow, i'm going to paris.

i've planned out my itinerary. to go to sadaharu aoki's patisserie, the fragonard perfume museum as well as the dim sum at belle ville.

i really look forward to moving AWAY from luton. LUTON IS A REAL FUCK HOLE.

i don't know why i put harisu's pic here but i just want to see something pretty, nice.

you know, sometimes, well, incerasingly, as i told someone once in my life in the past two years - FUCK YOU EW -- i find that life ultimately boils down to the flesh; your sensations, taste, touch, everything. hedonism. that's e way to go, for me at least at this stage of my life.

my life is so different now. so many phases i went through. when i was younger, i was a boy when asked what i wanted to do and be, "doctor".

then, i went through the rebelling stage. then, the 'fuck materialism', and now, 'i want to be materialistic'.

strange huh. i just dunno why.

i feel that knowing EW is one of the good things that happened to me because this encounter indirectly, or inadvertently, led me to this state now. pathetic state. and i want to stop, and BE HAPPY.

i realised that i really want to b happy. i want.